Finding Happiness

     On December 31, we wish great happiness for the coming year to our family members, good friends and even complete strangers, if we're celebrating in places like Times Square.  We make resolutions to be better, look better or do better, all in an effort to be happier. To feel happy, some even engage in destructive behaviors like gambling or taking drugs and alcohol.

     We are a happiness driven society, and society has even defined for us what happiness looks like--money, beautiful things, good looks, success, power, and lots of relationships, so why is it surprising that when people don't have those things, they feel dissatisfied, unsuccessful and unhappy.

     Is society's definition of happiness right? Well...it is certainly easier to live if we don't have to worry about money, and it is pleasant to live among beautiful things. We do want to look and feel our best, and we stave off loneliness when we have people in our life who care about us. And we want to believe that we've not wasted our life---that we've been productive and made a valuable contribution.

     There are people who have all that society dictates. We watch their seemingly perfect lives and often covet what they have. Then, we're shocked when they risk or ruin it all. We have only to look at California or Washington to see evidence that money, fame, power or beauty does not ensure happiness.

      Then there are others we know who don't seem to have much. They struggle physically or financially. They've had to deal with tragedies or they're very much alone. But somehow they manage to stay contented and even uplifted. What's the disconnect? 

     I talk a lot about how to be happy in my book Living Agelessly, so I thought I'd include some of that information.

"Because life is an unfolding process, feelings—even the most horrific ones—are transient, so take care not to be led by them. Decide to be in charge. It is critical to put feelings into perspective, change thought patterns, and choose your actions and reactions. Take pride in the accomplishments of the past and consider them the foundation of the present. Then appreciate the present, warts and all, for without the trauma, we wouldn’t recognize the joy.

Don’t obsess about failures. It can result in depression and even debilitation. Evaluate failures so that you can learn from them, but then let them go—a new habit that you can develop and will eventually embrace (although in the beginning you might not think that’s possible). Each time a negative thought leaps to mind, choose to replace it with one that’s positive. Have at your finger tips index cards with quotes, scriptures, or excerpts from books that inspire, uplift, and regenerate your thought process.

Words are powerful. The ones you utter shape your memories, so choose your adjectives carefully when you describe your experiences, as they will be what you’ll recall. Even if life has been difficult (and for whom isn’t that true?), searching for what is positive is crucial. An example would be; “I have survived so many challenges in the last 50 years and learned so much,” rather than “My life has been one horrible problem after another.”

You will alter your life by altering your attitude. Evidence is mounting that a positive attitude not only affects the quality of and contentment with life, but also delays the aging process."

So what is the secret of happiness? I think....

• it requires putting the past into perspective, forgiving others, and not taking anything, including ourselves, quite so seriously. 
• we must choose our actions (rather than react) to whatever we face, and that those actions should be constructive.
• we have to focus only on the positive.
• and that we should be grateful each day for all that is good in our life. We can't be miserable, if we are focusing what's wonderful.

     I want make a wish for us all, and that is that we have peace and contentment in the coming year. I think that when we create that in our life, we will find happiness!

     

Christmas has passed, and I'm struggling with mixed feelings. I feel blessed that my children and grandchild were here to celebrate, that we were able to share good food, thoughtful gifts to show our love, time to play together and have fun, and moments to honor God and remember the reason for this glorious season. 

And it was a white Christmas to boot--a rarity in my part of Texas! But the colorful wrapping paper is in the trash now.  I've put away my mother's china, frozen what's left of the turkey, and said goodbye to my daughter and granddaughter again. They did not get their VISAs, so their trip overseas was delayed again. Though I have adored having more time with them, and I feel so grateful that we had both Thanksgiving and Christmas to celebrate together, it's hard saying goodbye repeatedly, especially when I don't want to say goodbye at all.

My granddaughter Lily is almost five months old now, and she's growing into a great delight. When she smiles, her whole face lights up.  I got her to giggle and saw her roll over for the first time. And just like it's been since she was born, all I had to do was put her on my shoulder, rock gently, and sing near her ear for her to go right to sleep. There is truly nothing sweeter than a baby snuggled under your chin and draped around your shoulders. What a joy it has been to be with her, and how sad it is to be without.

I know I am not alone in this feeling. So many struggle with sadness at the holidays. Financial woes, chronic illness, and, being without any one at all, are just a few reasons.

We all experience sadness. Don't imagine for a minute that anyone escapes it, regardless of how good their lives look on the outside. The mistake we make is to ignore our feelings. In fact, stuffing them leads to far worse health problems including anxiety, sleeplessness, ability to function, and severe depression. 

Purging, on the other hand, is great for you. So how do we purge? Well, begin by acknowledging and expressing the feelings. It is not a show of weakness; in fact, it is courageous to be authentic with people, and they'll respect your for it.

Know when there is a significant change or loss in your life, that you will, not may, experience the Five Basic Stages, and that each one is normal.

1.  Shock/denial

2.  Anger

4.  Asking "What if" questions or making "If only" comments.

5.  Sadness

6.  Acceptance

Acknowledge the stage, talk with those you trust about how you feel, cry if you can, scream if you must, and allow yourself the freedom to move through the stages without guilt or regret.

Let me know what you're feeling.

Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Giving Gifts That Will Be Cherished

The Christmas season is upon us, and I don't know about you, but buying gifts is getting more and more difficult, especially for the grown children in my family. It was easy when my kids were young. There was always something they needed and some new toy to have. What a great joy it was for me to watch them open their gifts. To this day, I prefer giving gifts because it is such a pleasure to watch the recipient's face.

That was particularly true with my parents when they were still alive. It took so little to make them happy, and it had much more to do with showering them with love and attention than anything in the boxes they opened.

This time of the year can be tough for seniors. We lead such hectic lives that it's easy to forget those who sit at home waiting for someone to call or come by. Being remembered during the holiday season and included in family festivities is crucial to a senior's emotional well-being.

But buying gifts for seniors can be challenging too, especially when that family member may already have all they need and are in that time of life when they are giving things away rather than accumulating. So, what are you to do? 

Begin by recognizing that regardless of how much a family member may protest receiving gifts, just knowing that someone cares enough to consider their needs and takes time to shop just for them is the most important part of the present. Then assess their lifestyle. Is it changing? For example, if mobility offers challenges, you could buy a swivel seat cushion, folding travel cane, or wheel chair accessories. 

If they are getting out less to shop, consider having a gift basket filled with fresh fruits, cakes and muffins, or gourmet cheeses and crackers delivered to their door regularly. They will anticipate its arrival, and you will know that they are enjoying special treats without having to leave home. Visit www.adorablegiftbaskets.com for more ideas.

Adaptive attire may be in order for those who suffer with Alzheimer's, arthritis or other physical disabilities--adjustable footwear for a widening foot or swollen ankles, special care socks for diabetics, and easy-to-slip-on-and-wash garments that have Velcro or snap closures. Visit www.silverts.com (or call 800-387-7088) for a variety of fashion solutions to difficult problems. 

Fill a senior's time with the gift of entertainment. Order music from the 1950's or Big Band era. Favorite songs and show tunes from old movies encourage remembering and story telling. To promote mental agility, buy the "For the Record" game, with its guitar-shaped game board, available in an oldies edition with questions from the 1950's, 60's and 70's, or the master edition of the "Reminiscing Game" with hundreds of movie trivia questions going back to 1939. Visit Wellhaven Gifts for Seniors at www.wellhaven.com for these items and more. 

Remember, though, that best gift of all is your love. Include seniors in the holiday planning. Encourage them to cook or bake their specialty, so they will still feel useful. Carve a time during the festivities when the seniors in the room share stories of the past. They will love being the center of attention, and you will ensure that the younger ones in the room will learn about their heritage. Give lots of hugs and kisses. Seniors are often touch deprived.

And say I love you often...to everyone in your life. We never know when it might be our last chance to do so.

Merry Christmas to you all, and I hope 2010 will be your most blessed year yet!

Taking Care During the Christmas Season

The Christmas season is the time for prayer, thanksgiving and showing the people in our lives just how much we love them.  It is, unfortunately, also the time that the unscrupulous in our society take advantage of those who are most vulnerable--the aged, women alone and children. We need to be vigilant at the mall where we shop, in the parking lots and even at home. Below are some tips that I think are important. Read my book Living Agelessly for more valuable tips about protecting yourself and your parents from being scammed or harmed.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do:

The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Confound Muggers.

If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, do not hand it to him. Toss it away from you. Then run like mad in the other direction.

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating or working, and just sit (doing their checkbook or making a list). Don't do this. The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. As soon as you get into your car, drive away.


If someone is in the car with a gun to your head, do not drive off. Repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF. Instead gun the engine and speed into anything. You may wreck the car, but your airbag will save you. If the person is in the back seat, they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes, bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:

•  Be aware: look around you, look into your car at the passenger side floor and  in the back seat.
•  If you're parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
• Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

6. Always take the elevator instead of the stairs.

Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at night.

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, always run.

The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely will not be a vital organ. Run, preferably in a zig -zag pattern.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:

STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who always played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point:

If you hear a crying baby outside your house, call the police. The police have said that serial killers often use a recorded baby's cry to coax women out of their homes.

10 . Water scam!

If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps so that you will go out to investigate. Then they attack. Call the police instead.

Playing with Grandma and Grandpa

Ideas abound for quality time with grandchildren, but pace yourself. Know that time spent together in a home that offers security, peace and love is better remembered than any outing.

Children of all ages love exploration, and you needn’t go far. Rummage in your attic or garage for memorabilia, old clothes, hats and jewelry to dress in for tea parties or story time about the family. Serve up photo albums and scrapbooks with punch and cookies and you have an event to remember.

Explore nearby parks and begin collections. Identifying and displaying rocks, leaves, flowers and even bugs is educational and fascinating for even the youngest scientist. Don’t forget a picnic basket filled with snacks and drinks, a kite if it’s windy, fishing poles if there’s a creek and a wagon for those who get tired.

Investigate your neighborhood library. Apply for library cards (Having one makes children feel so grown up), and sign up for story or show time (sometimes conducted by costumed storytellers). Check out stacks of books and the library’s free videos and cassettes.

Search the countryside for working farms that let children milk cows or feed chickens, roadside markets that allow picking fruit or vegetables, and zoos that encourage petting the animals.

Hunt through and kitchen-test recipes. Then “write” a family cookbook. Pepper it with family anecdotes and decorate it with photos of the kids cooking and their drawings of the experience.

For more activity suggestions and information about raising grandchildren, visit www.cyberparent.com. Also read Vicki Lansky’s books 101 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Special, 101 Ways to Tell Your Child “I Love You”, 101 Ways to be a Special Dad and 101 Ways to be a Special Mom.

There is nothing more fun than to play with the grand kids. Most of them think just going to Grandma and Grandpa's is pretty magical, so you're off to a great start.

Being Thankful

We've just celebrated the Thanksgiving holiday. Besides turkey, all the fixings and my son's favorite chocolate mousse cake for dessert, my family has a tradition before eating. We pray and then share what we're most grateful for. This year, we were all grateful for a healthy and precious new addition to all our lives--my new granddaughter. 

I took some time and thought about what else I had to be thankful for besides my family. I have a home that is lovely and a comfort to live in and share with others. I have work that I love and is a way to give back, and I have the physical health and financial security enough to allow me to have a full life and travel where ever I want. That's a lot to have, and I am truly grateful.

The most important thing to have though, as we grow older, is friends. As many of you have experienced: husbands come and go, children leave and forge their own lives, and even the most fulfilling work meets only some needs, but friends....ah, they can be the mainstay of our lives.

My oldest and very best friend of 38 years has been one of the most important constants in my life. Though she does not live close by, we talk weekly for several hours. She is the one person who knows all--the good, the bad and the ugly, and she loves me anyway, and the reverse is true.

We have a relationship that allows telling each other the hard truth when it's been necessary, sharing in each other's hardships, and earnestly cheering on the successes. It's a rare gift to have a friend such as this. Most of us can only count on one hand how often that type of relationship comes into our lives, and I am grateful to be one of them.

I am also grateful for my other girlfriends. Some I relate to often and others I see periodically, but all offer help, wisdom and laughter whenever I need it. As we grow older, it is more and more critical to have a circle of friends on whom we can depend for these things, but, as we grow older, having that becomes more and more difficult.

Friends we made when our kids had common activities often disappear when the activity stops. Friends move to other areas. Some of my very best friends live all over the country now, and sometimes friends are only that for a certain season in our life, and, for various reasons, the relationship stops, as sad as that can often be.

Forging and maintaining new relationships takes time and work, and often we don't have that time or the energy to do what it takes, especially when isolation is so much easier. This is dangerous thinking though especially as we grow older. It leads to fear, loneliness and depression. 

What should you do about it? 

Become a joiner: Bible study at church, the rotary if you've worked, the toastmasters group if you like speaking and listening to others, a book club if you like to read, or a social or dance group.

Don't stop learning (and avoid dementia and Alzheimer's longer as well): take classes at the college (they're often free to the older generations), learn a new craft, or take lessons in something you've always wanted to try. I intend to start painting when I retire.

Make sure you have some fun: start a card group, a dinner club that forces your friends to gather regularly, and have movie parties. Don't watch your new video alone. Ask friends over, make some popcorn, and share the tears or laughter.

It doesn't take a lot of time to organize these moments, and maybe you'll be the only one of your friends who will. Don't worry about that. The dividends to you will be too great to wonder why you're the social director in your life. 

When Should We Stop Mothering?

I’m struggling with knowing when to advise others or to keep my mouth closed. I know the best course of action is to wait until being asked before giving advice, but my dilemma with that wisdom, and I do believe it is wisdom, is what to do when the person making a mistake is unaware that they are doing so. Do I let them experience the consequences of their bad choices or try to help them avoid the inevitable pain?

 

The first difficulty with giving advice is presuming that we always know the best way…assuming there really is such a thing anyway. If we realize that there are many paths to the right end, then we will take greater care in how we offer our solutions.

 

The second problem is that we don’t really know all the details of another person’s experience, so we should consider giving advice a great risk. If we don’t take great care, we can harm more than help.

 

And the third issue to consider is that the person may just want a listening ear and sympathy that comforts. Advice offered to a person in pain can be viewed as condescending and judgmental rather than helpful. We must also know that a person who is in pain can’t really hear what we’re saying anyway. You might have a chance at making an impact if you listen carefully to them first.

 

Author Uzi Weingarten has determined three simple steps for handling giving advice that I like very much:

“1. Listen first. While this rule is true for all good communication, it is doubly true when we wish to give advice. Issues are often more complex than they initially appear. By first listening, we open a space for the speaker to more fully describe the situation and for us to more fully understand it. What is the point of offering advice based on partial information?

 

In addition, when we listen first, it makes it more likely that the other will then listen to what we have to say. In the words of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, one needs “connection before correction.” It is empathic listening that establishes the connection.

 

2. Ask permission. Unsolicited advice is a major cause of grief among friends and family members. It can be experienced as unwelcome intrusion into personal business. It might also be seen disrespectful, as implying that a person is incapable of caring for himself and resolving his own issues.

 

Asking if our advice is desired shows respect for others and prevents resentments. Here is one way to do this: “As I listen to you, there are some ideas coming up for me that you might find useful. Would you like to hear them?” It is very important to ask that question without attachment, from a place that both “yes” and “no” are equally acceptable responses.

 

3. Offer without insisting. It is worth keeping in mind that even after we have listened, we can never know with certainty what is best for another person. There is so much that we are not aware of. So we offer our insights, experiences and ideas, with the attitude that our advice is another point of view, and we trust the listener’s inner wisdom to discern what is right for him or her.”

Perhaps the most important thing for us to remember is that people need validation far more than correction, empathy more than solutions, and though I understand this all too well intellectually, emotionally I still feel the need to help. It is the way I show my love, and it is very much my personality to solve problems. So…I too must keep asking myself if, barring criminal acts, there is really anything that can’t be corrected with time? 

If we shower the person we hope to help with love and sympathy, perhaps they will then be willing and more able to hear what can only be a suggestion that you have that may or may not be right for them.

That's my best advise on the subject. See...I just can't help myself!