I’m struggling with knowing when to advise others or to keep my mouth closed. I know the best course of action is to wait until being asked before giving advice, but my dilemma with that wisdom, and I do believe it is wisdom, is what to do when the person making a mistake is unaware that they are doing so. Do I let them experience the consequences of their bad choices or try to help them avoid the inevitable pain?
The first difficulty with giving advice is presuming that we always know the best way…assuming there really is such a thing anyway. If we realize that there are many paths to the right end, then we will take greater care in how we offer our solutions.
The second problem is that we don’t really know all the details of another person’s experience, so we should consider giving advice a great risk. If we don’t take great care, we can harm more than help.
And the third issue to consider is that the person may just want a listening ear and sympathy that comforts. Advice offered to a person in pain can be viewed as condescending and judgmental rather than helpful. We must also know that a person who is in pain can’t really hear what we’re saying anyway. You might have a chance at making an impact if you listen carefully to them first.
Author Uzi Weingarten has determined three simple steps for handling giving advice that I like very much:
“1. Listen first. While this rule is true for all good communication, it is doubly true when we wish to give advice. Issues are often more complex than they initially appear. By first listening, we open a space for the speaker to more fully describe the situation and for us to more fully understand it. What is the point of offering advice based on partial information?
In addition, when we listen first, it makes it more likely that the other will then listen to what we have to say. In the words of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, one needs “connection before correction.” It is empathic listening that establishes the connection.
2. Ask permission. Unsolicited advice is a major cause of grief among friends and family members. It can be experienced as unwelcome intrusion into personal business. It might also be seen disrespectful, as implying that a person is incapable of caring for himself and resolving his own issues.
Asking if our advice is desired shows respect for others and prevents resentments. Here is one way to do this: “As I listen to you, there are some ideas coming up for me that you might find useful. Would you like to hear them?” It is very important to ask that question without attachment, from a place that both “yes” and “no” are equally acceptable responses.
3. Offer without insisting. It is worth keeping in mind that even after we have listened, we can never know with certainty what is best for another person. There is so much that we are not aware of. So we offer our insights, experiences and ideas, with the attitude that our advice is another point of view, and we trust the listener’s inner wisdom to discern what is right for him or her.”
Perhaps the most important thing for us to remember is that people need validation far more than correction, empathy more than solutions, and though I understand this all too well intellectually, emotionally I still feel the need to help. It is the way I show my love, and it is very much my personality to solve problems. So…I too must keep asking myself if, barring criminal acts, there is really anything that can’t be corrected with time?
If we shower the person we hope to help with love and sympathy, perhaps they will then be willing and more able to hear what can only be a suggestion that you have that may or may not be right for them.
That's my best advise on the subject. See...I just can't help myself!
You make some excellent points. As a grandparent and a mother-in-law, I always hesitate to offer advice because I'm afraid it will be interpreted as meddling. I like the strategy of asking permission to give advice. You're right, though, that most of the time people just need to be heard. They're not asking for solutions.
ReplyDelete