Parenting Grandchildrem

Dear Linda:

        My grandparents are raising my young cousins. They’re having trouble handling their needs and problems and don’t know where to turn. Any suggestions?

A worried Grandson

Dear Grandson:

       Parenting grandchildren is a growing phenomenon. According to the 2003 Census, 2.3 million grandparents nationwide are tackling the job—a challenging, child-rearing experience totally different from their own.

       Grandparents must contend with special physical, psychological and educational needs, emotional problems, and the interference of biological parents, often in trouble themselves. With less energy, physical strength and authority, grandparents are anxious, overworked, and prone to depression, particularly if they’re coping with the loss of their own children to drugs, incarceration or death.

       Emotions are conflicted. Grandparents adore their grandchildren, but resent the demands on their time and energy, the drain on an already reduced income, and the reality of a quiet retirement gone.

       The children are angry at their parents for the abandonment, resentful about being taken from their home, even if it’s characterized by abuse or neglect, and fearful about the future.

       Discipline, in particular, is difficult. Grandparents often choose extreme styles—too lenient as a way to compensate for the child’s shattered life or too demanding because they fear a repeat of the behavior of their own children.

       Help abounds, though, and great joy is possible. Grandparents must create an environment with structure and reasonable expectations, and establish predictable routines for eating nutritious meals together, completing homework, and doing chores. The children will begin to feel safe and a sense of belonging.

       Alert the teachers and counselors and enlist their help. Visit parenting.adoption.com/parents/grandparents-as-parents.html for custody, legal and financial information, and www.rce.rutgers.edu/pubs/pdfs/fs255.pdf for an extensive resource list.
Read Grandparents as Parents by Sylvie Toledo and Deborah Brown, Grandparenting with Love & Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, and Raising our Children's Children by Deborah Doucette-Dudman, and write to the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) Grandparent Information Center, 601 E. Street, NW, Washington, DC 20049 for a free subscription to Parenting Grandchildren: A Voice for Grandparents.