Christmas has passed, and I'm struggling with mixed feelings. I feel blessed that my children and grandchild were here to celebrate, that we were able to share good food, thoughtful gifts to show our love, time to play together and have fun, and moments to honor God and remember the reason for this glorious season. 

And it was a white Christmas to boot--a rarity in my part of Texas! But the colorful wrapping paper is in the trash now.  I've put away my mother's china, frozen what's left of the turkey, and said goodbye to my daughter and granddaughter again. They did not get their VISAs, so their trip overseas was delayed again. Though I have adored having more time with them, and I feel so grateful that we had both Thanksgiving and Christmas to celebrate together, it's hard saying goodbye repeatedly, especially when I don't want to say goodbye at all.

My granddaughter Lily is almost five months old now, and she's growing into a great delight. When she smiles, her whole face lights up.  I got her to giggle and saw her roll over for the first time. And just like it's been since she was born, all I had to do was put her on my shoulder, rock gently, and sing near her ear for her to go right to sleep. There is truly nothing sweeter than a baby snuggled under your chin and draped around your shoulders. What a joy it has been to be with her, and how sad it is to be without.

I know I am not alone in this feeling. So many struggle with sadness at the holidays. Financial woes, chronic illness, and, being without any one at all, are just a few reasons.

We all experience sadness. Don't imagine for a minute that anyone escapes it, regardless of how good their lives look on the outside. The mistake we make is to ignore our feelings. In fact, stuffing them leads to far worse health problems including anxiety, sleeplessness, ability to function, and severe depression. 

Purging, on the other hand, is great for you. So how do we purge? Well, begin by acknowledging and expressing the feelings. It is not a show of weakness; in fact, it is courageous to be authentic with people, and they'll respect your for it.

Know when there is a significant change or loss in your life, that you will, not may, experience the Five Basic Stages, and that each one is normal.

1.  Shock/denial

2.  Anger

4.  Asking "What if" questions or making "If only" comments.

5.  Sadness

6.  Acceptance

Acknowledge the stage, talk with those you trust about how you feel, cry if you can, scream if you must, and allow yourself the freedom to move through the stages without guilt or regret.

Let me know what you're feeling.

Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Giving Gifts That Will Be Cherished

The Christmas season is upon us, and I don't know about you, but buying gifts is getting more and more difficult, especially for the grown children in my family. It was easy when my kids were young. There was always something they needed and some new toy to have. What a great joy it was for me to watch them open their gifts. To this day, I prefer giving gifts because it is such a pleasure to watch the recipient's face.

That was particularly true with my parents when they were still alive. It took so little to make them happy, and it had much more to do with showering them with love and attention than anything in the boxes they opened.

This time of the year can be tough for seniors. We lead such hectic lives that it's easy to forget those who sit at home waiting for someone to call or come by. Being remembered during the holiday season and included in family festivities is crucial to a senior's emotional well-being.

But buying gifts for seniors can be challenging too, especially when that family member may already have all they need and are in that time of life when they are giving things away rather than accumulating. So, what are you to do? 

Begin by recognizing that regardless of how much a family member may protest receiving gifts, just knowing that someone cares enough to consider their needs and takes time to shop just for them is the most important part of the present. Then assess their lifestyle. Is it changing? For example, if mobility offers challenges, you could buy a swivel seat cushion, folding travel cane, or wheel chair accessories. 

If they are getting out less to shop, consider having a gift basket filled with fresh fruits, cakes and muffins, or gourmet cheeses and crackers delivered to their door regularly. They will anticipate its arrival, and you will know that they are enjoying special treats without having to leave home. Visit www.adorablegiftbaskets.com for more ideas.

Adaptive attire may be in order for those who suffer with Alzheimer's, arthritis or other physical disabilities--adjustable footwear for a widening foot or swollen ankles, special care socks for diabetics, and easy-to-slip-on-and-wash garments that have Velcro or snap closures. Visit www.silverts.com (or call 800-387-7088) for a variety of fashion solutions to difficult problems. 

Fill a senior's time with the gift of entertainment. Order music from the 1950's or Big Band era. Favorite songs and show tunes from old movies encourage remembering and story telling. To promote mental agility, buy the "For the Record" game, with its guitar-shaped game board, available in an oldies edition with questions from the 1950's, 60's and 70's, or the master edition of the "Reminiscing Game" with hundreds of movie trivia questions going back to 1939. Visit Wellhaven Gifts for Seniors at www.wellhaven.com for these items and more. 

Remember, though, that best gift of all is your love. Include seniors in the holiday planning. Encourage them to cook or bake their specialty, so they will still feel useful. Carve a time during the festivities when the seniors in the room share stories of the past. They will love being the center of attention, and you will ensure that the younger ones in the room will learn about their heritage. Give lots of hugs and kisses. Seniors are often touch deprived.

And say I love you often...to everyone in your life. We never know when it might be our last chance to do so.

Merry Christmas to you all, and I hope 2010 will be your most blessed year yet!

Taking Care During the Christmas Season

The Christmas season is the time for prayer, thanksgiving and showing the people in our lives just how much we love them.  It is, unfortunately, also the time that the unscrupulous in our society take advantage of those who are most vulnerable--the aged, women alone and children. We need to be vigilant at the mall where we shop, in the parking lots and even at home. Below are some tips that I think are important. Read my book Living Agelessly for more valuable tips about protecting yourself and your parents from being scammed or harmed.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do:

The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Confound Muggers.

If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, do not hand it to him. Toss it away from you. Then run like mad in the other direction.

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating or working, and just sit (doing their checkbook or making a list). Don't do this. The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. As soon as you get into your car, drive away.


If someone is in the car with a gun to your head, do not drive off. Repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF. Instead gun the engine and speed into anything. You may wreck the car, but your airbag will save you. If the person is in the back seat, they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes, bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:

•  Be aware: look around you, look into your car at the passenger side floor and  in the back seat.
•  If you're parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
• Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

6. Always take the elevator instead of the stairs.

Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at night.

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, always run.

The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely will not be a vital organ. Run, preferably in a zig -zag pattern.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:

STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who always played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point:

If you hear a crying baby outside your house, call the police. The police have said that serial killers often use a recorded baby's cry to coax women out of their homes.

10 . Water scam!

If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps so that you will go out to investigate. Then they attack. Call the police instead.

Playing with Grandma and Grandpa

Ideas abound for quality time with grandchildren, but pace yourself. Know that time spent together in a home that offers security, peace and love is better remembered than any outing.

Children of all ages love exploration, and you needn’t go far. Rummage in your attic or garage for memorabilia, old clothes, hats and jewelry to dress in for tea parties or story time about the family. Serve up photo albums and scrapbooks with punch and cookies and you have an event to remember.

Explore nearby parks and begin collections. Identifying and displaying rocks, leaves, flowers and even bugs is educational and fascinating for even the youngest scientist. Don’t forget a picnic basket filled with snacks and drinks, a kite if it’s windy, fishing poles if there’s a creek and a wagon for those who get tired.

Investigate your neighborhood library. Apply for library cards (Having one makes children feel so grown up), and sign up for story or show time (sometimes conducted by costumed storytellers). Check out stacks of books and the library’s free videos and cassettes.

Search the countryside for working farms that let children milk cows or feed chickens, roadside markets that allow picking fruit or vegetables, and zoos that encourage petting the animals.

Hunt through and kitchen-test recipes. Then “write” a family cookbook. Pepper it with family anecdotes and decorate it with photos of the kids cooking and their drawings of the experience.

For more activity suggestions and information about raising grandchildren, visit www.cyberparent.com. Also read Vicki Lansky’s books 101 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Special, 101 Ways to Tell Your Child “I Love You”, 101 Ways to be a Special Dad and 101 Ways to be a Special Mom.

There is nothing more fun than to play with the grand kids. Most of them think just going to Grandma and Grandpa's is pretty magical, so you're off to a great start.

Being Thankful

We've just celebrated the Thanksgiving holiday. Besides turkey, all the fixings and my son's favorite chocolate mousse cake for dessert, my family has a tradition before eating. We pray and then share what we're most grateful for. This year, we were all grateful for a healthy and precious new addition to all our lives--my new granddaughter. 

I took some time and thought about what else I had to be thankful for besides my family. I have a home that is lovely and a comfort to live in and share with others. I have work that I love and is a way to give back, and I have the physical health and financial security enough to allow me to have a full life and travel where ever I want. That's a lot to have, and I am truly grateful.

The most important thing to have though, as we grow older, is friends. As many of you have experienced: husbands come and go, children leave and forge their own lives, and even the most fulfilling work meets only some needs, but friends....ah, they can be the mainstay of our lives.

My oldest and very best friend of 38 years has been one of the most important constants in my life. Though she does not live close by, we talk weekly for several hours. She is the one person who knows all--the good, the bad and the ugly, and she loves me anyway, and the reverse is true.

We have a relationship that allows telling each other the hard truth when it's been necessary, sharing in each other's hardships, and earnestly cheering on the successes. It's a rare gift to have a friend such as this. Most of us can only count on one hand how often that type of relationship comes into our lives, and I am grateful to be one of them.

I am also grateful for my other girlfriends. Some I relate to often and others I see periodically, but all offer help, wisdom and laughter whenever I need it. As we grow older, it is more and more critical to have a circle of friends on whom we can depend for these things, but, as we grow older, having that becomes more and more difficult.

Friends we made when our kids had common activities often disappear when the activity stops. Friends move to other areas. Some of my very best friends live all over the country now, and sometimes friends are only that for a certain season in our life, and, for various reasons, the relationship stops, as sad as that can often be.

Forging and maintaining new relationships takes time and work, and often we don't have that time or the energy to do what it takes, especially when isolation is so much easier. This is dangerous thinking though especially as we grow older. It leads to fear, loneliness and depression. 

What should you do about it? 

Become a joiner: Bible study at church, the rotary if you've worked, the toastmasters group if you like speaking and listening to others, a book club if you like to read, or a social or dance group.

Don't stop learning (and avoid dementia and Alzheimer's longer as well): take classes at the college (they're often free to the older generations), learn a new craft, or take lessons in something you've always wanted to try. I intend to start painting when I retire.

Make sure you have some fun: start a card group, a dinner club that forces your friends to gather regularly, and have movie parties. Don't watch your new video alone. Ask friends over, make some popcorn, and share the tears or laughter.

It doesn't take a lot of time to organize these moments, and maybe you'll be the only one of your friends who will. Don't worry about that. The dividends to you will be too great to wonder why you're the social director in your life. 

When Should We Stop Mothering?

I’m struggling with knowing when to advise others or to keep my mouth closed. I know the best course of action is to wait until being asked before giving advice, but my dilemma with that wisdom, and I do believe it is wisdom, is what to do when the person making a mistake is unaware that they are doing so. Do I let them experience the consequences of their bad choices or try to help them avoid the inevitable pain?

 

The first difficulty with giving advice is presuming that we always know the best way…assuming there really is such a thing anyway. If we realize that there are many paths to the right end, then we will take greater care in how we offer our solutions.

 

The second problem is that we don’t really know all the details of another person’s experience, so we should consider giving advice a great risk. If we don’t take great care, we can harm more than help.

 

And the third issue to consider is that the person may just want a listening ear and sympathy that comforts. Advice offered to a person in pain can be viewed as condescending and judgmental rather than helpful. We must also know that a person who is in pain can’t really hear what we’re saying anyway. You might have a chance at making an impact if you listen carefully to them first.

 

Author Uzi Weingarten has determined three simple steps for handling giving advice that I like very much:

“1. Listen first. While this rule is true for all good communication, it is doubly true when we wish to give advice. Issues are often more complex than they initially appear. By first listening, we open a space for the speaker to more fully describe the situation and for us to more fully understand it. What is the point of offering advice based on partial information?

 

In addition, when we listen first, it makes it more likely that the other will then listen to what we have to say. In the words of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, one needs “connection before correction.” It is empathic listening that establishes the connection.

 

2. Ask permission. Unsolicited advice is a major cause of grief among friends and family members. It can be experienced as unwelcome intrusion into personal business. It might also be seen disrespectful, as implying that a person is incapable of caring for himself and resolving his own issues.

 

Asking if our advice is desired shows respect for others and prevents resentments. Here is one way to do this: “As I listen to you, there are some ideas coming up for me that you might find useful. Would you like to hear them?” It is very important to ask that question without attachment, from a place that both “yes” and “no” are equally acceptable responses.

 

3. Offer without insisting. It is worth keeping in mind that even after we have listened, we can never know with certainty what is best for another person. There is so much that we are not aware of. So we offer our insights, experiences and ideas, with the attitude that our advice is another point of view, and we trust the listener’s inner wisdom to discern what is right for him or her.”

Perhaps the most important thing for us to remember is that people need validation far more than correction, empathy more than solutions, and though I understand this all too well intellectually, emotionally I still feel the need to help. It is the way I show my love, and it is very much my personality to solve problems. So…I too must keep asking myself if, barring criminal acts, there is really anything that can’t be corrected with time? 

If we shower the person we hope to help with love and sympathy, perhaps they will then be willing and more able to hear what can only be a suggestion that you have that may or may not be right for them.

That's my best advise on the subject. See...I just can't help myself!

When Do We Become Our Parents' Parent?

A dear friend shared a difficult problem with me today. Her mother, though living fairly well on her own now, is showing signs of needing more help. She’s not able to see well enough to keep her house clean and safe. She’s having trouble keeping her medications straight, and she’s struggling with fear and loneliness. The mother is unwilling to leave her home, in a state across the country where her other children live, but is hopeful that my friend, a widow without children, will give up her home and life to move in with her.

 

My friend is struggling. She loves her mother, but she also loves her life. What to do?

 

My friend and her siblings have tried the obvious—hiring cleaning people, but the mom doesn’t want strangers in her house; rotating responsibilities among family members, but the drain on members with families and jobs is great, and coming for periods of time throughout the year to stay with her, but mom wants more and now needs more.

 

When do we step in and/or take over?

 

It’s a difficult decision to make and a hard decision to live out. I took care of my parents for almost five years and there were times that I wondered how long I could do it. I was working full time and still taking care of my own family and home. The toll it took on me was physical and emotional. I landed in the hospital with inflamed muscles from lifting a wheel chair and 180-pound man repeatedly. I suffered with exhaustion from doing too much every day and every evening, and I experienced the blues about losing my parents and losing my life as I had once known it.

 

Read in my book Living Agelessly: Creating a Lifestyle for Midlife and Beyond  about how to deal with the emotions associated with this challenging life issue, and below please find some good suggestions from a site www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/03/taking-care-of-aging-parents-as-a-family.html you should visit.

 

“What is an Elderly Parent?

How do you know when your aging parent is in need of help? What signs are there to indicate it may be time to step in and help your parents? Specifying a particular age to signify an “aging” or “elderly parent” would be meaningless, because each person is different in their abilities and health as they enter their advancing years. One elderly parent may be in their early 60’s when needing help, while another parent may not need help until well into their 70’s or 80’s.

Becoming keenly aware of a parents ability to fulfill the basics of living such as bathing and grooming, preparing meals, caring for household chores, doing laundry, remembering and paying bills as needed, shopping, driving skills etc, are all telltale signs of whether a parent may be in need of some assistance.

Caring for an elderly parent encompasses responsibilities from the very basic needs of living, to dealing with physical and mental health problems (such as Alzheimer’s or Dementia), insurance and long-term care, where a parent will live when no longer able to live alone, discussing the parents wishes and desires if incapacitated or unable to make coherent decisions, and much more.

Talking With an Aging Parent

While it is certainly advantageous and recommended for a parent to make plans for their own care before an emergency or serious health problems occur, adult children must often take on the weighty responsibility of caregiver before becoming fully informed of everything involved with caring for an aging parent.

It is then necessary for the family, especially grown adult children to have a family meeting with the parents to ask questions well before an emergency situation arises, gather and save necessary documents (financial, insurance, wills, etc) regarding what needs there are or will be at some point in the future.

• Who will be the primary caregiver?
• What role will others in the family play in caring for the parent or Grandparent?
• What can teenagers and younger family members do to help?
• Are there any signs that some help is needed now? What are they?
• What responsibilities can be shared, and by whom?
• Is there a need to supervise medications, shopping, doctor visits, etc?
• Is there a list of assets and their value? If so, where is it?
• Is there a will, a living will, medical directive, power of attorney? If so, where?
• Location of birth certificates, social security card, marriage and/or divorce certificates, education and military records.
• Is there a private pension, what is the amount, is it directly deposited? Where?
• Are there Social Security payments? How much? How is it deposited?
• Is there a list of all bank accounts, CD’s, safety deposit boxes, IRA’s, stocks, etc? Where?
• What debts are there? Mortgages, credit cards, car payment?
• Is there adequate medical insurance? Long-term care insurance? Medicare? Medicaid? Prescription plan?
• Has anyone consulted with an elder-care attorney?
• Can the elderly parent live alone? Where will the parent live if unable to live alone?
• What about an Independent Living or Assisted Living facility, or a Nursing Home?
• What medications are being taken, and in what dosage? By prescription or over the counter?
• Are there any prepaid funeral expenses? Prepaid burial plot? Are there any specific funeral arrangements desired?
• What are the parent’s wishes regarding when to issue or agree to a “Do Not Resuscitate” order, also known as a D.N.R.?
• Is an Obituary notice in the newspaper desired? How much does it cost? (Some newspapers offer this as a complimentary service, while others charge hundreds of dollars for a two-inch block of text).
• Is there a preferred funeral home? Should there be a viewing? Who will deliver the eulogy?
• Is cremation desired? Are there any specific wishes regarding the funeral service?

These are just some of the many questions that must be asked and respectfully discussed with the parent, allowing the aging parent to retain as much as control as possible over their own care and needs. Educate yourself on legal, financial and medical matters that relate to your parent and the aging process prior to having the family meeting, being sure to include information and facts learned to the discussion.

While you may feel somewhat nervous about discussing death with a loved one, you may be surprised to find that most elderly people are not afraid to talk about it and will appreciate your willingness to carry out their wishes.

Helping Aging Parents as a Family Unit

The entire family is responsible for caring for the numerous and sometimes difficult demands of an aging parent, including young members of the family. Too often this responsibility is placed solely on the shoulders of one adult child, while others in the family shirk their duty to be supportive and helpful in the process.

Baby Boomers are now caring for their parents, in what has been called the Sandwich Generation, while at the same time trying to care for their own children, household chores, jobs and marriages. Regardless of how far away from their parents that adult children and grandchildren live, each member of the family needs to do everything within their power to help care for the needs of Grandma or Grandpa.

Making regular phone calls, sending cards and letters, scrapbook collections and photo’s of fun and happy times, occasional gifts “just because” or to say “I love you” are all things even younger children and teenagers can do to help support the family’s caring for the elderly grandparent. Distance is no excuse to leave all the responsibility to the sibling living closest to the parent.

Think of all the various household chores that are necessary in your own home, and that many families share in, to keep a home clean and in good working order. All of these and more are required to care for elderly parents and grandparents too. Teenagers and younger children can help Grandma and Grandpa with dusting, vacuuming, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, calling on the phone, drawing pictures and cards, playing board games, etc according to their individual abilities. Helping in these ways allows grown adults the time to care for more difficult and time-consuming responsibilities like heavy yard work, car repairs and maintenance, grocery shopping, making sure bills have been paid, etc.

By working together as a family, being supportive and helpful in caring for the many needs of the elderly parent, families will have the joy and pleasure of knowing that their efforts were greatly appreciated by the aging parent or grandparent, as well as knowing that they fulfilled the requirement to “honor your father and mother” while they were alive.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are Your Emotions Making You Sick?

I thought I was going to discuss strategies for handling the loss of loved ones in last week's blog, but instead I got really sick—sinus, upper respiratory and double ear infections. I’ve been a mess for over a week.

 

My friends have all suggested that my emotional state has had everything to do with my susceptibility to illness, and I had to address that as a possibility. Did my sadness, depression and anger open me up to physical sickness as well?

 

We can’t avoid feeling our emotions, but it has long been believed that when we suppress them, we get into trouble. Suppression of emotions includes denying they exist, not discussing them when we do recognize them, not dealing with them if there is action about them that we can take, and not releasing them after resolution. We must acknowledge how we feel, process how we feel, and then let those feelings go.

 

Our physical bodies and emotions are intricately intertwined, so when we repress our feelings instead of ultimately releasing them, blockages can occur, energy flow is impacted, and various muscles and organs are affected adversely.

 

Eastern medicine advocates a direct link between specific emotions and certain areas of the body.  It is believed that sadness weakens the lungs and can result in flu, colds, fatigue and shortness of breath. That would certainly explain my upper respiratory infection.

 

Anger and irritability damages the liver. The symptoms include muscle cramps, headaches and depression. Anxiety affects the spleen and results in sinus congestion, skin rashes and digestive problems.

 

Also, according to this philosophy, the associated feelings are compounded as well, so it all becomes a vicious cycle of sorts. You feel scared, for instance, and the fear weakens your kidney and results in fatigue, urinary problems, back and knee pain. As a result of those symptoms, your energy lowers even further but the feeling of fear increases.

 

I say in my book Living Agelessly: Creating a Lifestyle for Midlife and Beyond that…

 

“You will alter your life by altering your attitude. The evidence is mounting that a positive attitude not only impacts the quality of and contentment with life but also delays the aging process. Researchers at The University of Texas conducted a seven year experiment on over 1500 relatively healthy people to assess whether there was a link between emotions and the onset of frailty.

The researchers reported in the Journal of Psychology and Aging that although genes and physical health play a role in aging, that “those people who had a positive outlook on life were significantly less likely to become frail than those who were more pessimistic. They speculate that positive emotions may directly affect the quality of health by altering the chemical balance of the body.”

“I believe that there is a connection between mind and body,” said lead researcher Dr. Glenn Ostir, “and that our thoughts and attitudes/emotions affect physical functioning and over-all health, whether through direct mechanisms like immune function or indirect mechanisms like social support networks.”

There is even scientific evidence to suggest that a positive attitude can elongate life. Yale University Associate Professor Becca Levy found in her study of 660 people (338 men and 322 women over 50) that those with positive perceptions of aging lived 7.5 years longer than people with negative perceptions of getting older. She suggests that “this is a critical finding as medical achievements in the area of longevity are generally considered a success when they extend life by one-to-two years. The implications of attitude elongating life by seven years are extraordinary.”

Some suggestions for releasing emotions from Wikihow.com are:

 

1.   First of all, know that crying is not a sign of weakness. Let out your tears! Bottled up emotions lead to more emotional breakdowns in the future. Crying not only cleanses the eyes, but washes the pain away.

2.   Keep a diary. Each time you're feeling down in the dumps, write a journal entry about it. When you're feeling better, you can look back at the entry and think, "How did this pain make me stronger?"

3.   Find someone to talk to. Find someone you trust. If you feel comfortable talking to them and if they can listen to you, understand your pain, then they are the right person for you to turn to.

4.   Try to get to the source of the sadness, and insulate yourself from future damage if possible.

5.   Work through the reasons that provoke your crying. If you are jealous of someone, try to figure out if this reaction is really worth feeling sad about.

6.   Allow time to grieve. If sadness is due to the death of someone close to you, then it may take a bit longer for the sadness to pass. It is healthy to feel sad at the loss of a loved one so understand this and take one day at a time. Crying is perfectly normal at a time like this. Talking about it and expressing your feelings will also help.

7.   Use art to free some of your pain. It can be a poem, a song or a painting that describes what you're feeling and going through.

8.   Muster the courage to feel what actually exists inside you; the courage of an open heart.

9.   If your sadness is related to a family member passing away, do not forget them, but keep memories of them [pictures, home videos, favorite songs, etc.

10.  When you feel pain, find ways to pamper yourself—exercise to release endorphins, visit a spa, plan a day of enjoyment with others who love you, eat some carbs (dark chocolate is good), and rest well!

Saying Good-bye is Painful

I am getting ready to say goodbye to my first and only grandchild, my only daughter and her husband. They are moving by choice to the other side of the world to do work that is laudable but dangerous, and I’m having trouble with it.

The first time my daughter moved to Africa to do her work, she was single and essentially alone there. I was terrified for her, had panic attacks, and didn’t sleep for almost six months. Even though she didn’t admit it much, I know it was terribly difficult and scary for her too. She called me almost more than when she worked in Houston.

Because she will be returning with her husband, I am less worried. I expect that he will be as protective as possible in a dangerous and unpredictable locale, but I am really struggling with the loss of my granddaughter and with my anger at my daughter for risking themselves and taking Lily so far away.

In my last blog, I talked at length about the miracle of being a grandparent, and I’m sad about not being able to grandparent my sweet Lily. She is a darling little girl who is just beginning to coo and smile. At the very time her little personality will be most apparent, she’ll be gone.

I know I’m not alone in feeling this loss. Because of the ease of mobility, first within the United States and now throughout the world, the extended family is eroding more and more with each generation. I consider it a huge loss to the children involved as well, and as a teacher, I see the effects. Kids are more disconnected, and they see themselves as more vulnerable. Their relationships with their nuclear families are often strained and difficult.

I grew up in a great family with lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents, all who lived just minutes away. I spent as much time staying at my grandmom’s and my aunts’ homes as I did my own, and I loved every minute.

My grandparents were the storytellers in my family. They shared the stories of our heritage and our Armenian ancestry. They introduced me to the generations in our family, and they taught me our customs. My grandmother taught me how to cook, sew and love others, and my grandfather taught me about pride and generosity. I adored them, and they adored me.

Unconditional love is the sweetest of all—no expectations, no criticism, and no judgment. That was the love I experienced with my grandparents, and that was the kind of love I want to share with my granddaughter. I’m sad at not being able to. I’m sad at not sharing her life and not observing her growth.

Next time, I’ll talk about some of the strategies for coping, as I’m really hoping to be better able to handle this challenge than I did her last departure.

Grandparenting--A True Miracle

You may be wondering why I skipped a week. Well…I've been consumed with spending all the time I can with my first and only grandchild, Lillian Joyce, who was born July 31, 2009 in Dallas, Texas and has become the love of my life.

  I say in my book, Living Agelessly: Creating a Lifestyle for Midlife and Beyond,  "that the relationship a grandparent has with a grandchild is perhaps the closest thing to a real miracle”, and now I know that what I said, even before I had a grandchild, is the absolute truth.

  You get to experience pure love without the responsibility. For the most part, you are free to conspire, have fun, and even “spoil” without fear, and you're able to return them to your children when you’re finally tuckered out from so much enjoyment.  

  I’ve been with Lily almost daily for the last two months, and it has been a pleasure that defies description. She recognizes my voice, calms quickly in my care, falls asleep in my arms, and coos and smiles now when I look into her eyes. And because she looks just like my daughter did, it feels like 31 years has melted away as well. It’s been a great way to feel 28 again.

  When I was preparing to have my own children, I read everything written on how to do it better than the generation before, including natural childbirth, birthing rooms, Dad involved in the delivery, breastfeeding, and preparing all natural foods.

  Unlike my mother’s generation with their epidurals, formula and processed babyfood, I was a member of the Babyboomer generation intent, almost driven, to be the quintessential earth mother. And, we did it! Giving birth was changed dramatically, and the positive impact on the health and development of newborns and children was profound and lasting.

We were the generation responsible for Snuglis being invented to keep babies close to our hearts, car seats to keep them safe while traveling, and pacifiers (if you deigned to use them) with nipples that replicated Mom’s.

  Things are different now. Because doctors are so afraid of being sued for malpractice, “C” sections are epidemic; Moms have to fight for natural childbirth, and the use of drugs during delivery is more common again. 

I am also noticing that this generation is fitting their newborns and young children into an already determined set of plans rather than creating a new world that is specific to their welfare. That was our first consideration when we made decisions, because our children were the center of our world. Today, children seem to be a piece of a bigger picture rather than the whole photo. The jury is still out on which philosophy will be produce more successful adults and citizens.

  Whatever your assessments are about the differences in raising babies, tread lightly. I remember not asking my mother for much advice because she’d done it all so differently from me, but even if the new parents make the same choices you did, be careful about how you parent your adult children. Unless you’re asked, refrain, as much as you can, from giving advice about how they should raise their children. Instead, model the behavior with their children that you hope they will adopt. If you’re really uncomfortable with something, asking them questions is still better than telling them what to do, because that will generally make them defensive. They have to consider the issue before answering your questions, and that's what you want."

  I’ve been asked to make some recommendations about traveling with a young child, and though my experience with that has been limited, I’ve made some observations that I think are worth passing on. I hope they help. 

Ten Top Tips for Traveling with Tots

1. Make sure whatever you buy for your baby is collapsible, convertible and convenient. 

The collapsible pack and play by Graco is comfortable enough to use as a crib, has a vibrator and music for baby’s restless nights, and a great changing table attached with pockets for products. Add a “Womb Sounds Bear” by Dex Products or a “Hartley the Heart Beat Bear” by Mary Meyer, and everyone will get a good night’s rest, even if you’re in a far-off land.

The convertible carseat to have is by Britax.  It accommodates the growth of your baby from infancy on. Best of all, however, is that the seat portion detaches from the base, which stays strapped snuggly in the car, and becomes a mobile carrier and seat for your child when you reach your destination.

The most convenient form of feeding is breast milk. The "Hooter Hider" is a great product for feeding discretely, and it tucks easily into the diaper bag. If you need to transport milk, either breast milk or already made-up formula, consider freezing first and transporting in a good cooler that can also hold healthy snacks that need refrigeration. Medela has a great set of small refill bottles that can also be kept in the freezer for the occasional bottle for the breastfed baby, and Sassy has a great plastic, sectioned container that stores pre-measured amounts of powdered formula for bottles on the go. 

2. Always have at least six, gallon-size, zip-lock freezer bags (much stronger than plastic trash bags) tucked in your diaper bag. They can hold dirty diapers, accumulated trash, and items you need at your fingertips. Have one bag filled with travel size products you will need—toiletries for the baby (shampoo, lotion, baby oil), diaper rash ointment, thermometer, saline drops and nose suction bulb, Tide or Oxy-clean spot remover stick, and more wipes than you think you could ever use. Bring quarters and a sealed plastic bag of laundry soap for a laundry matt if you need to use one, and liquid soap to do laundry in the sink.  

3. Prepare a first-aid kit. Be sure to take any prescription medications that your baby requires, even if only on occasion. Fill out an emergency sheet containing contact names and numbers and your child's health information, including the names of any medications taken, so it's handy if needed.

4.  Take a hat to protect your baby from the sun or from the cold. Use sunscreen of at least SPF 15, with both UVA and UVB protection.  Apply in small amounts to the face and back of hands in babies under six months and wherever skin is exposed in older babies. Take socks to protect your baby from the cold weather and the air-conditioning. 

5. Think in terms of light layers for warmth—huge, light-weight swaddle blankets by Aden and Anais that can used as a many-layered, night cover, a large floor covering for the baby, or a quick covering for the car set or shopping cart. Sleep sacks are great for travel because diaper changing is a breeze. 

6. Don’t get bogged down with too many toys.  A new environment offers up lots of amusements. 

7. 
Take a photo album with pictures of the people you plan to visit. Your tot will be familiar with their names and faces before you arrive. You will have alleviated fear of strangers and created excitement.

8.  If you are too far away from your destination to take much  with you and you can afford it, consider a service that allows you select what you need and delivers it to your destination before you arrive. Babies TravelLite.com will deliver diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, food, bathing supplies and countless other items your baby will need while on your family vacation. The prices are competitive, and they handle special needs.

9. Divide up specific tasks with your partner according to strengths. Fulfill those agreements consistently and without being asked; you will minimize resentment and exhaustion. 

10. Don’t over-schedule. Stagger busy and mellow days, and take time to enjoy each moment.

Living Agelessly 

 

by Linda Altoonian      

 

     Last week, I told you that I would be making changes over the next six months, beginning with my belief that turning 60 is the beginning of the end. Well…I’m trying mightily, but even if I completely change my attitude about 60 being old, the reality is that I look and feel older. 

     I don’t have the energy or stamina I once did. In fact, just thinking about what I once packed into a day makes me tired. In addition to attending school, taking care of a home and working, I modeled in my teens and twenties, chased babies in my thirties, led exercise groups in my early forties, and danced whenever someone put on music. I was constantly in motion, and I loved it. Exercise was naturally built into my every moment.        

     In my fifties, I sat down: in front of a computer screen to write my column and my book, at a desk to grade my student’s papers, and in chairs at various social and business functions. 

     To becoming more sedentary, I had added a couple of major surgeries, a problem with my knee, and thyroid disease. I had good reason for packing on pounds, but the rational did not ease the discomfort or the associated problems, and exercise, one of the solutions, had become a chore that I had to add to an already too full day. Taking a power nap became far more attractive than doing sit-ups with a power ball.        

     What was the resolution? Well, at least until I wanted to exercise again, I needed to find a way to consume fewer calories because I was doing less physically, and I had to burn the ones I did consume more effectively.   My research suggested that an easy way to begin was with deeper breathing. Well...I knew I could do that!

     In my book, Living Agelessly: Creating a Lifestyle for Midlife and Beyond, I say, "Because breathing is primarily an involuntary activity, we often take it for granted. That is a terrible mistake. Most of us use only 10% or so of our total lung capacity, which upsets the ideal balance of gases in the blood stream by preventing the removal of harmful substances. 

     Taking in more oxygen helps cleanse our body of a variety of waste products, including carbon dioxide. Storing toxic substances that should be eliminated from the body can diminish mental clarity, lower vitality, and increase anxiety. In addition, fast, shallow breathing can cause sleep disorders and exhaustion, stomach upset and gas, muscle cramps, chest pain, dizziness, and increased heart rate and blood pressure. Some people, who think they may have heart disease, may actually be experiencing the effects of breathing improperly.   

     Shallow or “chest” breathing doesn’t allow oxygen to reach the lower part of the lungs and fully saturate the blood’s capacity to hold oxygen. As a result, you breathe more rapidly, which can increase blood pressure and pulse rate. Your organs must work much harder to increase the level of oxygen in the blood. Over time, this pattern can damage your lungs and heart, diminish your energy, and increase your stress level.   

     Karen Van Ness developed the following exercise, to increase “lung capacity and power, to strengthen the entire torso, and to promote the unobstructed flow of internal energy that may have been blocked because of systemic stress.”   She also suggests, “performing these exercises when you first wake up to get rid of the stale air and mucus that has formed through the night, and to break through the wake-up doldrums and ramp up your energy level.”   

Step 1: Lie on your back with arms and legs extended and relaxed. Begin to inhale and exhale smoothly and deeply to the following count: Inhale for 4, hold for 2, Exhale for 6.   

Step 2: To help make sure you are inhaling and exhaling as deeply and completely as possible, place the palm of one hand on your lower abdomen, about two inches below your navel. As you breathe, think of inhaling into this point, and exhaling from this point.   

Step 3: Once you have the basic breathing pattern down, add this visualization: 

With the Inhalation:  Imagine clean, white, healing, purifying air entering first your lungs, then your entire body. The air is sparkling with energy. With every breath, you pull more of that energy into you.

With the Exhalation:  Imagine a gray, black cloud of negative energy, toxins and impurities are being expelled from your body.

     As you continue to breathe, feel and see your body becoming cleaner and more energized as you take in clean air and sparkling energy and force out impurities, toxins, and negative energy. Your body becomes filled with healing blue air—like the relaxing beautiful blue of a clear sky on a perfect day.

     At this point, you should feel relaxed but energized and ready to take on the day. Mentally rehearse your goals or objectives for the day immediately after completing this exercise. See yourself achieving these goals and taking any obstacles in stride.”

     

     I'm going to begin doing this exercise every morning before I get out of bed. I will also track its impact. Will I feel better, more refreshed and more capable of achieving the goals of the day? I'll let you know   next week.