Taking Care Without Being Taken

Dear Linda:

       My mother and mother-in-law live in other states and will probably need financial aid in the near future. Though we’re not wealthy and still have a child to put through college, we’d like to help, except both mothers have repeatedly bailed out their adult children. We’re concerned that if we give either mother money, their children will be the beneficiaries. Any suggestions?

Stymied in Benbrook

Dear Stymied:

       The sandwich generation is struggling with multiple challenges, the most prominent of which is still launching their children while having to care for their parents. The pressure of meeting these demands can cause severe financial, physical and emotional problems. Be careful not to take on so much that you drown in the process. You must set boundaries.

       As you are under no obligation to offer support, it’s perfectly reasonable to determine the conditions for the help you’d like to give.  Communication is crucial. Be honest about your concerns. Make it clear that you won’t help if the money’s used for the benefit of others, and put all agreements in writing to ensure clarity and better enforcement.

       After telling your mothers that you’d like to help, do a budget to determine income and anticipated expenses. If there’s a deficit, you could agree to pay directly for those expenses that have created the shortfall. If the parent is then short in a particular month, you’d be right in asking for an accounting. If the deficit is not the result of giving to others, then you could consider additional support. One of your stipulations should be to do a regular audit.

       If assisted living or long-term care is eminent, research legal avenues to protect your mothers’ assets. Visit www.legalhotline.org for the number in your area to call about creating a simple trust that pays a local caregiver or care facility directly. Also make certain that your mothers have given financial Power-of-Attorney to a responsible agent in case they lose the capacity to handle their financial affairs.