Caring Conversations

Dear Linda:
I'm 84 and just learned that I have a terminal illness. I've led a blessed life and have no fear, but feel I have loose ends, and I'm not sure how to share my final wishes with my dear family. Have you any ideas for how to begin?

Looking for Direction

Dear Looking for Direction:

You demonstrate great courage during one of the most difficult times people face. There is no doubt your thoughtfulness and consideration of others have been factors in your life well lived.

Of all the phases experienced, the end of life seems the one for which we are least prepared, yet preparation is crucial to ensuring that our wishes are respected and to determining how our final days are spent.

Time taken to prepare is the opportunity to evaluate our lives, mend fences, handle regrets and finish business. Also, making final decisions lessens the suffering in the physical, psychological and social areas for all involved.

The Center for Practical Bioethics has an excellent workbook called Caring Conversations that can be downloaded from site www.practicalbioethics.org or ordered from 800-344-3829. Using a series of questions, it guides you through the process of deciding your beliefs and preferences in the areas of spiritual/religious values, healthcare, career and work, financial matters and personal relationships.

Some examples of decisions you’re guided to make and will ultimately share with your family are: what will make you feel most comforted (living your days in a hospital or at home), treatments (pain medication but not tube feeding), duty delegation (wills and powers of attorney), and fulfilling financial obligations (prepaid funeral and trusts to pay medical bills).

Read Dying Well (Berkley Publishing Group) by Dr. Ira Byock, who suggests that dying people need to say “I forgive you. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you and good-bye.” Perhaps the kindest and most respectful farewell is allowing the opportunity for those caring conversations.