Alone at the Holidays

Dear Linda:

       My spouse of 55 years passed away two years ago and both my children live out of state. They are unable to come home for the holidays, and I just can't afford extensive travel. I feel so very sad and am not sure how to handle it.

So Alone

Dear So Alone:
     
 The holidays are a special time for family members to gather, express their love, and pass on cherished traditions to new generations. Most of us spend a lifetime anticipating and treasuring these moments and the people with whom we share them, so it is perfectly understandable to feel mournful and even heartbroken when we suffer their loss.
      
Normally, these feelings of sadness during the holidays are temporary and don’t impact ability to function. If, however, you feel so sad that you’re losing interest in or withdrawing from regular activities, experiencing a lack of energy, inability to concentrate, or a change in your eating or sleeping patterns, consult your physician about the possibility of depression.
      
Clinical depression, which can also be caused by bio-chemical changes in the brain, interferes with performing the simplest tasks, erodes self-esteem, and can cause the affected person to question the value of life.
      
The good news is that treatment, including behavioral changes and medication is highly effective, dramatically so among seniors. Treatment should be carefully monitored and results vary, but there is marked improvement in 4-12 weeks.
       
Talk therapy is also beneficial. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and sympathize, and seek out a good therapist. Contact the American Association for Geriatric Psychiatry (AAGP) at 301-654-7850 or visit main@aagponline.org to request board-certified experts in your area.
      
Be kind to yourself, even indulgent. Buy that new outfit or bauble you’ve been wanting forever, have a spa day (manicure, pedicure or massage—perhaps all three), and invite a friend to go out with you to a new restaurant. You’ll feel special and will be adding new memories to your holiday recollections, perhaps even creating some new traditions.
      
Make sure you don't drink alcoholic beverages in excess. Alcohol is a natural depressant, and though you may have that occasional glass of wine or laced eggnog just "because" it's the holidays, over a period of time, too much alcohol will add to the problem.
      
Get out of the house and surround yourself with other people. Go to the park, see a movie, or go to a shopping mall for some people watching. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen during the holidays. Helping others in greater need gives us perspective and reason to be grateful.

If you don't belong to a church, choose one. In addition to the inspiration and source of hope, churches often have groups and activities for single people. There will be others who will understand and empathize with your struggle.

Or, if you have a group of friends, organize a holiday meal for others who will be alone too.  It is far more difficult to focus on the negative when you are involved in doing something nice for others.