Et tu, Brute!

I teach the short story by Shirley Jackson called The Lottery to point out the savagery with which people can treat each other. Though in civilized societies, we don't stone each other to death any more, people who consider themselves enlightened can and do, figuratively, still kill off others, sometimes in the ugliest and most awful ways.

I discuss the story with students to address the problem of bullying--the quintessential example of going after the most vulnerable in their society. Heaven knows, however, my students are no more guilty of this than some of the adults who guide them.

Adults can be horribly destructive. I lost a valued colleague because she did not ingratiate herself to those who controlled the environment. The control group devised a covert plan to undermine, attack and finally ambush someone who was too innocent to see it coming.

The story teaches that instilling the fear of being ostracized or punished by the control group also keeps people in line. But killing off others is sadly not confined just to the work place. We see it in the family situation too.

There is nothing as ugly as a family member who deliberately sets out to minimize or exclude another family member. There is nothing so injurious to that relationship as creating distance instead closeness, coldness instead of warmth, and superficiality instead of truth.

Generally, it happens because one person is so self-centered that all they think about is themself and not the consequences to the relationship. Sometimes, it is because the offending member is so out of control of their own circumstance that they must try to dictate how every relationship will go, and if that doesn't work, they set out to punish.

Whether at work or at home, control is the issue; control through intimidation and fear; control through withholding love and warmth, and control through threat or act of punishment.

If we want our kids not to bully, we need to stop being bullies ourselves. We need to give up the reins because running the show is not more important than loving our neighbor, colleague, friend or family member.

The other consequence is to the bully. Being cold or cruel to others may accomplish short-term goals, distorted as they may be, but that kind of behavior ultimately steals the bully's self-respect and feeling of peace. In the end, a bully, who is often a person with a very hard heart, lives a life of regret and confusion about why they are loved by no one in the end.