Parents Need to Get a Grip

I am a firm believer in raising well-disciplined children who are respectful, responsible, and motivated to excel, and those goals should be accomplished primarily by the time children begin elementary school. Though refinement of those characteristics continues until adulthood, if children are well-mannered, well-behaved and hard working at the start of school, they will experience encouragement and positive reinforcement, and their self-esteem will be nurtured based on merit.

As a result of a lot of effort on my part and a clear value system in our family, I raised two very successful children; both are college-educated and philanthropic, highly responsible with thriving careers, and well-liked and respected by others, and I didn’t have to beat them to accomplish those goals.

I am more and more distressed over what seems to be a trend in this generation. Many parents are proponents of the theory that “sparing the rod spoils the child” and wielding that rod is generally the first course of action rather than the last. My worry is that it has more to do with the parents, rather than the children, being out of control.

A horrendous example of that is the Texas woman who beat her two year old into a coma over a potty training issue and super glued her hands to the bathroom wall, and though this is obviously extreme, abuse like this has become more and more common. I recently had a repairman in my home bragging about beating his four year old with his belt. He truly believed it was the only way to make his son behave. What a terrible mistake and a particularly crazy philosophy when trying to teach a child not to hit others. Don’t these parents see the absurdity of hitting a child for hitting? Where do they think the child learned the behavior?


What is necessary for raising well-disciplined children?


Being Committed


Parents need to have a well-thought out philosophy that both agree to enforce, and they need to have a well-considered plan in place to handle situations before they present themselves. Then they need to follow through. That way they are prepared, empowered and in control of themselves.


Taking Time


Parents must devote time and energy to the JOB of parenting well. Problems are not solved with shortcuts, and hectic schedules or being tired are never good excuses for not following through. It takes time to explain to children why certain behaviors are unacceptable and why the desired behavior is required. Teaching the child to behave appropriately is the parent’s JOB. Learning to behave appropriately is a process that takes time.


Being Realistic


Parents, particularly with the first born, often have unrealistic expectations for their children. If they have set the bar too high and the child repeatedly fails, they become frustrated and ultimately lose belief in themselves. If a child is punished for something that they are not capable of doing yet, a trust is broken and a defeated child is the consequence. The parent risks killing the child’s spirit. The other consequence can be high performing children without self-confidence driving their behaviors.


Explaining Your Expectations


Explain your values in terms your child can understand. Take the time to explain the reasons behind why you are asking he/she to behave in certain ways. If your child understands the types of behavior you'd like them to avoid, they're more likely to apply that reasoning to different situations, instead of learning to stop one behavior at a time.


Assessing the Environment


If your child is acting out of sorts, be sensitive to what is going on. Have you gotten them off schedule? Is your child sick or tired or hungry? Is it a new place or situation? Are they afraid or intrigued or embarrassed? Perhaps there is good reason for a change in behavior. Make an assessment of the situation before reacting. New situations offer teaching opportunities but the parent must be patient and even forgiving if there are lapses.


Avoiding a Power Struggle


If you don’t want your child to say no to you, don’t give them the opportunity. For example, if I wanted my children to have cereal in the morning, I would say, do you want oatmeal or Wheaties. They felt empowered because they had been given a choice, but I was really in control. If I had asked instead, “Do you want cereal?” I might have gotten a no answer instead and then the battle begins.


Being predictable


It is critical that your child knows that you're going to do what you say you will. If you explain what a punishment will be, and then don't act on it, you will have less credibility the next time.


Being Consistent


It is crucial for your child to understand that if they choose a certain behavior; they will always get the same consequence. If he/she can count on the rules staying the same, they're more likely to abide by them. This also allows the child to feel as if they have control over their life.


Being Reasonable


Consequences for unacceptable behavior should be logical. For example, one time, my three year old sprinkled baby powder all over the stair case. I could have spanked her but what would that have taught. Instead, I made her clean up the mess. Because I consistently required that she clean up her messes, she made fewer and fewer of them. The punishment should always fit the crime.


Withholding rewards


Determine what your child values — it could be a toy, an activity, or even a privilege like getting to stay up. That becomes leverage when the child misbehaves. Those positive things can be withdrawn for a certain period of time. You could also introduce a negative consequence like a time-out or being sent to their room to consider what they’ve done.


Giving Positive Reinforcement


If you want your child to behave well, you have to reward those behaviors at every opportunity. Look for the moments to give praise and be effusive. Discuss the accomplishment with pride to others—Daddy or grandparents. They say it takes 20 positive comments to compensate for one criticism, and we are so quick to point out and punish the negative. Create opportunities for your child to be successful and then reward them not with things but with compliments and hugs and more of what they really want—generally your time and attention.