This is the perfect time to travel. Springtime is gorgeous and the weather is good throughout most of the world, but the most important reasons for traveling now are the off-season prices and the small crowds, and that is all because the kids are still in school.
My last travel recommendation was a bed and breakfast. If you want to add some some layers to your adventure, consider an elderhostel both for the educational component and the even better prices.
Elderhostel is the world’s largest educational travel organization for adults 55 and older. A non-profit association that has been organizing itineraries for over 25 years, its expert instructors give in-depth lectures, and lead thrilling field trips and excursions in over 10,000 programs in more than 90 countries.
The educational programs delve into subjects including religion, culture, art, food, language, literature, music and history. Participants are led by university professors, academic specialists, museum professionals, and local scholars. There is no homework or exams, but the program prides itself on challenging exploration, great camaraderie, and probing discussions that encourage sharing new ideas and experiences.
The types of programs are varied. “Exploring North America” allows participants to pursue adventure within the borders. Imagine hiking through the Grand Canyon, seeing the Mississippi from the deck of a paddle boat, or investigating black holes at the Space Center in Houston.
Travel to the corners of the world with the international program. Visit Scandinavian palaces, greet Moroccan shamans in Africa, or cross into the Greek Isles to savor Mediterranean cuisine. A cruise ship becomes the classroom in the “Adventures Afloat” program, and if giving service is an interest, there are programs offering the opportunity to help in struggling communities internationally or in the United States.
Lodging is simple but comfortable and can be in hotels, inns, and retreat centers, not just in dorms on college campuses. 95% of the time, rooms are private and have their own bathroom. The cut-rate costs for accommodations, three-course meals, gratuities, insurance, lectures, field trips and cultural excursions are all included.
The value is extraordinary given the excellence of the program and the superior quality of service provided by a well-trained staff that attends to the participant’s special needs and modifies programs for those who are disabled.
Call 877-426-8056 or visit www.elderhostel.org for information about the various programs and to register for your great adventure.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
There's Always Hope
A friend sent the story below. I thought it was uplifting and would give hope to those struggling with hard times.
Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend - my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle female child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.
'What now, Lord?' I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone. My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord. My work was finished, and I was alone. I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor.
An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. 'I'm late,' he explained, though no explanation was necessary. After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, 'Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of 'Margaret?'' 'Because, that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary, no one called her 'Mary,'' I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?
'No, that isn't correct,' he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, 'her name is Mary, Mary Peters.' 'That isn't who this is.' 'Isn't this the Lutheran church?' 'No, the Lutheran church is across the street.'
'Oh.' 'I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir.' The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing. At the final 'Amen,' we darted out a door and into the parking lot. 'I do believe we'll be the talk of the town,' he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee.
That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.
In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June, we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, 'Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven.'
God doesn't make mistakes. He puts us where we are supposed to be.
Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend - my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life. When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle female child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.
'What now, Lord?' I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone. My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord. My work was finished, and I was alone. I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor.
An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. 'I'm late,' he explained, though no explanation was necessary. After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, 'Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of 'Margaret?'' 'Because, that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary, no one called her 'Mary,'' I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?
'No, that isn't correct,' he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, 'her name is Mary, Mary Peters.' 'That isn't who this is.' 'Isn't this the Lutheran church?' 'No, the Lutheran church is across the street.'
'Oh.' 'I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir.' The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing. At the final 'Amen,' we darted out a door and into the parking lot. 'I do believe we'll be the talk of the town,' he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee.
That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.
In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June, we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, 'Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven.'
God doesn't make mistakes. He puts us where we are supposed to be.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Ageism is Alive
My mother is 58, has worked at her company for 18 years, and had been promoted regularly throughout her tenure. Lately, promotions to which she was entitled were given to younger workers, often less qualified. We think it’s ageism. What are our options?
Joan’s son
Dear Joan's Son:
Ageism is a bias against someone because of their age. If that bias impacts how an employee is treated, the employer has broken the law. The Age Discrimination in Employment Act (ADEA) protects applicants and employees who are 40-70 years old from employment discrimination based on age with respect to hiring, firing, promotion, layoff, compensation, benefits, job assignments, training, terms, and conditions. The ADEA applies to employers with 20 or more employees, to employment agencies and labor organizations, and to the federal government.
Despite the law, however, ageism has increased from 6-to-8% for workers overall, and from 11-to-16% for workers 65 years and older according to the National Social and Quality of Employment Survey. Because firms are 40% more likely to interview younger applicants, 63% of senior applicants said they’d hide their age and 18% said they’d have plastic surgery before applying.
In the past two years, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) has received more than 20,000 complaints of ageism. That number will grow dramatically as Americans, 65 and older, double in population to 70 million over the next three decades, and those over 85 (the fastest growing segment of the population) will surge from 4-19 million.
Though millions of dollars have been paid in settlements, attorneys say discrimination is difficult to prove. Only 1/7 of the cases have benefitted the complainant thus far.
The International Longevity Center (ILC), administrated by Dr. Robert N. Butler, who coined the term ageism in 1968, is publishing a detailed study in February, 2006. Visit www.ilcusa.org or call 212-288-1468 for information.
Read The Older Job Hunter’s Guerilla Handbook by Gunthar Manusson for how to combat ageism, and contact the EEOC at 800-669-4000 to report cases.
Joan’s son
Dear Joan's Son:
Ageism is a bias against someone because of their age. If that bias impacts how an employee is treated, the employer has broken the law. The Age Discrimination in Employment Act (ADEA) protects applicants and employees who are 40-70 years old from employment discrimination based on age with respect to hiring, firing, promotion, layoff, compensation, benefits, job assignments, training, terms, and conditions. The ADEA applies to employers with 20 or more employees, to employment agencies and labor organizations, and to the federal government.
Despite the law, however, ageism has increased from 6-to-8% for workers overall, and from 11-to-16% for workers 65 years and older according to the National Social and Quality of Employment Survey. Because firms are 40% more likely to interview younger applicants, 63% of senior applicants said they’d hide their age and 18% said they’d have plastic surgery before applying.
In the past two years, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) has received more than 20,000 complaints of ageism. That number will grow dramatically as Americans, 65 and older, double in population to 70 million over the next three decades, and those over 85 (the fastest growing segment of the population) will surge from 4-19 million.
Though millions of dollars have been paid in settlements, attorneys say discrimination is difficult to prove. Only 1/7 of the cases have benefitted the complainant thus far.
The International Longevity Center (ILC), administrated by Dr. Robert N. Butler, who coined the term ageism in 1968, is publishing a detailed study in February, 2006. Visit www.ilcusa.org or call 212-288-1468 for information.
Read The Older Job Hunter’s Guerilla Handbook by Gunthar Manusson for how to combat ageism, and contact the EEOC at 800-669-4000 to report cases.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Bed and Breakfasts
Dear Linda:
I loved your column on cruise-ships, but my vacation budget for this year allows only for a rowboat. Got a luxurious but low-cost idea for me and my wife?
Need A Get-Away
Dear Need A Get-Away:
Though an exotic vacation in a far-off place sounds attractive, it's not the only prescription for refreshment and rejuvenation. A change in scenery, attentive service, and someone else in the kitchen can do the trick, so consider a Bed & Breakfast in a town you've never visited.
The home styles are as varied as the locales-rustic cabins in the forest, sumptuous villas in the mountains, and charming Victorians with antique lace curtains and embroidered pillows in quaint little towns are just a few of the possibilities.
Visit www.bedandbreakfast.com (particularly on Wednesdays when it lists hot deals) for information about B&B's in your price and travel range. Then decide if you'll drive and see the country side, or fly to another part of the country or world. Be sure to include in your search any special dietary or housing needs like access for the disabled, vegetarian meals, whether or not pets are allowed, and senior discounts.
Ask the innkeeper if the room has comfortable chairs for reading, there are grab bars in the tub and shower and good lighting, particularly in the bathroom, to prevent falls in the night. If stairs are a problem, request first-floor accommodations, and see if you will have phone and email access.
Rather than choose the least expensive inn, select the least expensive room in a more expensive inn to get the most for your money. The reduced cost in the better inn is generally because it's the smallest room. Typically, however, even it has a queen-size bed and private bathroom, and you'll enjoy the same ambiance and amenities as those paying twice the price.
To further reduce the cost, travel off season (avoid holidays and school vacations) and stay mid-week. Ask for a reduction in price for staying multiple nights, and be flexible. Take advantage of last minute, get-away packages.
I loved your column on cruise-ships, but my vacation budget for this year allows only for a rowboat. Got a luxurious but low-cost idea for me and my wife?
Need A Get-Away
Dear Need A Get-Away:
Though an exotic vacation in a far-off place sounds attractive, it's not the only prescription for refreshment and rejuvenation. A change in scenery, attentive service, and someone else in the kitchen can do the trick, so consider a Bed & Breakfast in a town you've never visited.
The home styles are as varied as the locales-rustic cabins in the forest, sumptuous villas in the mountains, and charming Victorians with antique lace curtains and embroidered pillows in quaint little towns are just a few of the possibilities.
Visit www.bedandbreakfast.com (particularly on Wednesdays when it lists hot deals) for information about B&B's in your price and travel range. Then decide if you'll drive and see the country side, or fly to another part of the country or world. Be sure to include in your search any special dietary or housing needs like access for the disabled, vegetarian meals, whether or not pets are allowed, and senior discounts.
Ask the innkeeper if the room has comfortable chairs for reading, there are grab bars in the tub and shower and good lighting, particularly in the bathroom, to prevent falls in the night. If stairs are a problem, request first-floor accommodations, and see if you will have phone and email access.
Rather than choose the least expensive inn, select the least expensive room in a more expensive inn to get the most for your money. The reduced cost in the better inn is generally because it's the smallest room. Typically, however, even it has a queen-size bed and private bathroom, and you'll enjoy the same ambiance and amenities as those paying twice the price.
To further reduce the cost, travel off season (avoid holidays and school vacations) and stay mid-week. Ask for a reduction in price for staying multiple nights, and be flexible. Take advantage of last minute, get-away packages.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Insurance Between Jobs
With double digit unemployment, lots of folks are worried about being able to pay bills, but maybe even worse is having lost health insurance. The cost of a simple doctor's appointment averages $300. Prescriptions are astronomical, and a stint in the hospital can cause bankruptcy and worse.
Know that you may be protected under the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA). Created in 1986 by Congress, this law ensures continuing group health insurance for employees who have lost coverage because of reduced work hours or for termination for any reason other than gross misconduct.
The Act requires employers to allow former employees, retires, spouses, former spouses, and dependent children to continue their current health insurance coverage at group rates. Employers with 20 or more employees for more than 50% of the prior business year must comply. The only employers excluded are the Federal Government and some church groups.
Some states have expanded the provisions mandated by the Federal Government. For example, COBRA guarantees continuing coverage for 18-36 months. The state of Texas allows its citizens an additional six months of protection. You and your employer are governed by the laws affording the greater benefits. Call the United States Department of Labor at 866-444-3272 or visit www.dol.gov for more information.
COBRA is not automatic. You must elect continuing coverage. See your employer’s benefits coordinator or human resource representative for application. Your employer has 30 days within which to notify the COBRA insurance plan administrator. Then you have 60 days after qualifying to elect coverage and 45 days to make the initial payment.
The reason you choose COBRA is because there are alternatives to consider. You might find a more inexpensive health plan (with modified coverage, higher deductibles, and more out-of-pocket payments) through a professional group or organization in which you’re a member or through another health insurance company. Often these are stop-gap policies for applicants in good health with no preexisting conditions. Call the Texas Department of Insurance at 800-252-3439 for guidance.
Know that you may be protected under the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA). Created in 1986 by Congress, this law ensures continuing group health insurance for employees who have lost coverage because of reduced work hours or for termination for any reason other than gross misconduct.
The Act requires employers to allow former employees, retires, spouses, former spouses, and dependent children to continue their current health insurance coverage at group rates. Employers with 20 or more employees for more than 50% of the prior business year must comply. The only employers excluded are the Federal Government and some church groups.
Some states have expanded the provisions mandated by the Federal Government. For example, COBRA guarantees continuing coverage for 18-36 months. The state of Texas allows its citizens an additional six months of protection. You and your employer are governed by the laws affording the greater benefits. Call the United States Department of Labor at 866-444-3272 or visit www.dol.gov for more information.
COBRA is not automatic. You must elect continuing coverage. See your employer’s benefits coordinator or human resource representative for application. Your employer has 30 days within which to notify the COBRA insurance plan administrator. Then you have 60 days after qualifying to elect coverage and 45 days to make the initial payment.
The reason you choose COBRA is because there are alternatives to consider. You might find a more inexpensive health plan (with modified coverage, higher deductibles, and more out-of-pocket payments) through a professional group or organization in which you’re a member or through another health insurance company. Often these are stop-gap policies for applicants in good health with no preexisting conditions. Call the Texas Department of Insurance at 800-252-3439 for guidance.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Forever Valentine
Below is a riveting letter to my column that I love to rerun at this time of the year.
Dear Linda:
My wife and I have been married for over 50 years. Valentine's Day is coming, but we're on a fixed income and splurging isn't possible. I can't think of anything that fits our budget but is special enough to show the love of my life how much I care.
From,
Wanting to be Romantic.
Dear Wanting to be Romantic:
Your desire alone to show your wife how much you love her says a great deal about you and why you have a successful marriage. Most women long to feel cherished and rarely is that about what's bought or how much is spent. Thought and effort make a woman feel valued.
Write her a love letter. Chronicle the wonderful times in your marriage, describe the qualities that make her extraordinary, and thank her for all she's done to make your life special. Persoanlize the salutation with an endearment and close with a promise of enduring love.
Use special stationary, spray it with cologne, and put it on her pillow so she will find it in the morning. Your words will be a blessing then and a comfort in the future whenever she rereads it.
Tell her you've planned the day--an outting to a fair, free art show or historical museum, a concert in the park or a drive in the country. Pack a picnic lunch, a thermos of hot chocolate or cappuccino, blankets and lawn chairs. Be sure to stop and watch the sunset.
Cook dinner for her. Even if you're not the best chef in the kitchen, simple fare served beautifully will be remembered. Don't forget candles (lots of little ones floating in a glass bowl are romantic), fresh flowers (less expensive bought at the grocery store), and music you can dance to afterward. Have her favorite movie to watch together and hold hands.
You will have orchestrated a day she will never forget, and said "I love you" with your every action.
Dear Linda:
My wife and I have been married for over 50 years. Valentine's Day is coming, but we're on a fixed income and splurging isn't possible. I can't think of anything that fits our budget but is special enough to show the love of my life how much I care.
From,
Wanting to be Romantic.
Dear Wanting to be Romantic:
Your desire alone to show your wife how much you love her says a great deal about you and why you have a successful marriage. Most women long to feel cherished and rarely is that about what's bought or how much is spent. Thought and effort make a woman feel valued.
Write her a love letter. Chronicle the wonderful times in your marriage, describe the qualities that make her extraordinary, and thank her for all she's done to make your life special. Persoanlize the salutation with an endearment and close with a promise of enduring love.
Use special stationary, spray it with cologne, and put it on her pillow so she will find it in the morning. Your words will be a blessing then and a comfort in the future whenever she rereads it.
Tell her you've planned the day--an outting to a fair, free art show or historical museum, a concert in the park or a drive in the country. Pack a picnic lunch, a thermos of hot chocolate or cappuccino, blankets and lawn chairs. Be sure to stop and watch the sunset.
Cook dinner for her. Even if you're not the best chef in the kitchen, simple fare served beautifully will be remembered. Don't forget candles (lots of little ones floating in a glass bowl are romantic), fresh flowers (less expensive bought at the grocery store), and music you can dance to afterward. Have her favorite movie to watch together and hold hands.
You will have orchestrated a day she will never forget, and said "I love you" with your every action.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sharing the Load
I have two friends going through terrible times. They call to talk, to commisserate, to question. Why did this person leave, why did this person stop loving, how am going to face being alone, how do I start over? I no longer have the answers to the really tough questions in life.
In my twenties, I was sure I knew everything, but I hadn't really been tested yet. My parents, whom I thought were pretty naive and uninformed during that time, miraculously became brilliant in my thirties when I was no longer sure I had all the answers. It was not until my forties that even the questions became illusive, much less the answers to them.
In my fifties, I stopped asking the huge questions and just did the best with the day before me. The big picture had become less consuming.
In my sixties, I've learned that there is really only one important question and that we all struggle with it until the day we die; that all the rest of the seeming important issues and questions are truly superflouous.
What is the issue that is so monumental? What propels all our actions and choices; what is the core question we ask from the moment we're able until the day we die?
It is: do I have value and am I valuable enough to be loved?
And don't we go through a lot of contortions to find out?
And isn't it from others that we seek the answer?
I know that we say it shouldn't matter what others think or how they feel about us, but isn't it their reflection and their treatment of us that makes us feel either valued and loved, or not?
Don't we all want a witness to our life, a cheerleader for our efforts, and an encourager when we struggle? Don't we all want and need to be loved?
And so I give my love to my family members and my friends in the best way that I can. I validate their experience, empathize with their feelings, and bolster their self-esteem whenever I can. I can't really give them answers because I don't have them. I can only give them my love and encouragement.
I think the story below is a good example of giving what we can to help others.
Two Men
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every after noon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the man couldn’t hear the band, he could see it clearly in his mind’s eye.
They shared these moments over the days and weeks that passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside that his dear friend had so beautifully described. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside his bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased friend to describe such wonderful things outside the window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not have even seen the wall. She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”
Despite our own situation, there is tremendous solace and joy in making others happy. It is true that shared grief is half the sorrow, and that happiness, when shared, is doubled.
In my twenties, I was sure I knew everything, but I hadn't really been tested yet. My parents, whom I thought were pretty naive and uninformed during that time, miraculously became brilliant in my thirties when I was no longer sure I had all the answers. It was not until my forties that even the questions became illusive, much less the answers to them.
In my fifties, I stopped asking the huge questions and just did the best with the day before me. The big picture had become less consuming.
In my sixties, I've learned that there is really only one important question and that we all struggle with it until the day we die; that all the rest of the seeming important issues and questions are truly superflouous.
What is the issue that is so monumental? What propels all our actions and choices; what is the core question we ask from the moment we're able until the day we die?
It is: do I have value and am I valuable enough to be loved?
And don't we go through a lot of contortions to find out?
And isn't it from others that we seek the answer?
I know that we say it shouldn't matter what others think or how they feel about us, but isn't it their reflection and their treatment of us that makes us feel either valued and loved, or not?
Don't we all want a witness to our life, a cheerleader for our efforts, and an encourager when we struggle? Don't we all want and need to be loved?
And so I give my love to my family members and my friends in the best way that I can. I validate their experience, empathize with their feelings, and bolster their self-esteem whenever I can. I can't really give them answers because I don't have them. I can only give them my love and encouragement.
I think the story below is a good example of giving what we can to help others.
Two Men
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every after noon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the man couldn’t hear the band, he could see it clearly in his mind’s eye.
They shared these moments over the days and weeks that passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside that his dear friend had so beautifully described. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside his bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased friend to describe such wonderful things outside the window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not have even seen the wall. She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”
Despite our own situation, there is tremendous solace and joy in making others happy. It is true that shared grief is half the sorrow, and that happiness, when shared, is doubled.
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