Raising Losers

I have been teaching for 20 years and sadly (and now terrifyingly) what I have recognized is that each year the students are more ill-mannered, illiterate and ill-equipped. We baby boomers are trusting our futures to young people who will not be prepared to handle their own adulthood much less make wise and well-informed decisions for us when we're in the retirement home.

Now, there are exceptions and I have the privilege to teach a good number of them, but they are becoming the minority. The group of teens who are respectful, motivated to do well, and highly responsible is shrinking in size, and we are losing entirely the middle-class group--the strong B-C students who are hardworkers but not necessarily destined for college and much better suited for skilled work in the various trades. Today, we have a much smaller group of great kids and all the rest, who are out of control, driven by a sense of entitlement rather than earned success, and out of touch with any sort of moral compass.

The sad fact though is that it is not just the losers who cheat. Even "top" students are involved in taking the easy way out. They rationalize their behavior with suggesting the competition is better and the pressure is greater.  I have had many students tell me (and most with pride or levity) that they have cheated their way through school from as early as elementary school. They have convinced themselves that it is so critical to be on top (or even just to pass) that playing fair and following rules is just not important, in fact, has no value. The legacy of that, of course, is even the "good" kids believe the ends justify any means.

Character drives us all. Good character results in moral choices, and corrupted character ends in lying, cheating and stealing, and yet we see those very behaviors lauded on the TV, in the movies and in songs, and they played out in our society where the hard work of the melting pot generation who built America is not the respected goal. The goal is how much can I fleece from others--government, tax payers and investors. How much can I get without working? How much can I take before getting caught?

What has happened to the Americans who felt an obligation to this great country for its opportunities and a debt for the freedoms we enjoy; the Americans who knew that working hard created great modeling for their children; that working hard resulted in pride in a job well done, and that working hard created a great neighborhood, community and nation. 

Instead of raising great Americans, who are the thinkers and doers who will propel us upward, we are raising lazy losers--brats, thugs and prima donnas.

Spicing Up Your Life

Dear Linda,

       I keep hearing about the health benefits of cooking spices. It seems they cure everything from the deadliest cancers to an ailing sex life. Should I be spicing it up?
Dull in the Kitchen

Dear Dull:

       For centuries, our ancestors considered spices and herbs to be the answer to many medical problems. Over time, spices became more respected for their culinary enhancements than for their medicinal value, but researchers are promoting them again for their healing properties.

       Experts don’t suggest substituting spices (plant bark, root, bud or berry) or herbs (herbaceous plant leaves) for a healthy, well-balanced diet, and warn that consuming too much of any food additive can be risky, but advocate the use of spices for diet diversification and boosting the health value of a meal.

       Use fresh instead of processed spices and herbs. They contain higher levels of antioxidants. Buy spices whole and grind them just before use, crush dried leaves or herbs, and use whole sprigs in long-cooking dishes for maximum benefit. Add sprigs of oregano or rosemary to vegetable, rice and pasta cooking water. Herbal teas (sage, rosemary, thyme, oregano, peppermint, spearmint) retain antioxidant properties even after a 30-minute boiling time.

       For many, peppermint treats gastric and digestive disorders, tension and insomnia. Mustard relieves respiratory problems. Cayenne pepper and Tabasco sauce can increase metabolism and fat-burning ability up to 25%. Ginger inhibits nausea and vomiting often caused by morning or motion sickness. Allspice relieves indigestion and gas, and cinnamon combats diarrhea, boosts glucose metabolism, and kills bacteria and other micro-organisms. Turmeric neutralizes free radicals, protects against cancer, and is a natural anti-inflammatory. Cumin is a protective agent against carcinogenesis. Garlic can decrease blood pressure, is a natural antibiotic and beneficial in the treatment of diabetes. Oregano has 3-20 times higher antioxidant activity than other herbs.

       Consult your physician before making any dietary changes and don’t substitute spices or herbal supplements for prescribed medication. Read Spices of Life by Nina Simonds (Alfred A. Knopf) to learn recipes for a healthy lifestyle.

The Red Hat Society

Dear Linda:

       I’ve noticed senior women decked-out in colorful garb (red hats and purple clothes) clearly having a great time! What organization do they belong to and how do I join?

Looking for a Fun Club


Dear Looking for a Fun Club:

       The women you refer to are members of the Red Hat Society, a national organization for women devoted to “sisterhood and silliness”. Intent on welcoming middle-age with enthusiasm, the members gather together for teas and luncheons, dinner and dancing, movie nights and theater, conventions and speakers, spa days and even sleepovers.

       The Red Hat Society was founded to give senior women a chance to share life experiences, maximize opportunities to enjoy life. Proudly referred to as a “disorganization”, the requirements are few. You must be over 50 and attend functions in “full regalia” - red hats and purple outfits. Accessories can be as lavish as feather boas, fancy gloves, and purple pumps and pantyhose.

       For those who just can’t wait to join, junior postulates (ladies-in-waiting called Pink Hatters) are allowed conditional membership, if they agree to wear pink hats and lavender clothing until the crucial milestone—50 years and what they call Reduation!

       Organized into chapters around the world (100 in the Dallas-Fort Worth area), meetings are generally held once a month by approximately 20 women (only because bigger groups have more trouble with reservations). If a chapter near you is full, you can begin your own. The $35 registration fee includes a Purple Perks card (automatic for the “Chapter Queens”) entitling members full access to the website, participation in official events, and discounts on Red Hat merchandise, Southern Lady Magazine, Amtrak fees to name a few.

       For more information or to join in the hilarity, visit www.redhatsociety.com or call their “Hatquarters” at 714-738-0001. Read Red Hat Society’s Laugh Lines by founder and “Exalted Queen Mother”, Sue Ellen Cooper, for funny anecdotes and inspirational stories that “reshape the way women in this age group are viewed and for a refreshing and liberating attitude toward aging.”

Services for Shut-ins Faith In Action

Dear Linda:

       My mother’s 75 and lives alone. She can’t afford to hire a caregiver but desperately needs help. She’s a proud woman and deeply religious though she’s no longer able to attend church services. She’d accept help from a faith-based organization, but I’m not sure who to contact.

Out-of-State Daughter

Dear Daughter:

       Faith in Action is a national program that coalesces the power of volunteers from different faiths to serve people in need. Sponsored by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Northside Inter-Church Agency (NICA), the program provides no-cost service to low-income families, the homeless, disabled and elderly.

       Offering non-medical help, trained caregivers transport and give respite, run errands and shop, deliver monthly groceries and assist with paying bills, make assurance phone calls and home repairs, cook and do light housework in private and group homes or apartments, nursing or Hospice homes.

       While Faith in Action’s base is in Princeton, New Jersey, the program has spread to all 50 states plus Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Visit www.fiavolunteers.org.

       According to local Program Director Peggy Badlato (817-626-1102), “NICA’s mission is not only to provide emergency services and resolve short-term crises, like food and financial assistance, but also to educate, mentor and train people in need. Good Works, NICA’s program that cares for the disabled and seniors citizens, enables those in need to stay in their homes and live longer independently.”

       “When family members and health care providers cannot fill the daily needs of a member of the community, the Faith in Action volunteer fills the gaps. Most belief systems include a mandate to help others. Faith in Action connects neighbors in need with those who want to make a difference.”

Fighting Depression

Dear Linda:
      
My 68-year-old mother used to be the life of the party. Now she sleeps a lot and is blue all the time. I fear she’s depressed, and I’m worried. She refuses to go to the doctor, but reads your column religiously. What do you suggest?

A concerned daughter

Dear Concerned Daughter:
      
Depression is a serious medical illness that must be diagnosed and treated by trained professionals. If left untreated, depression, which can last months or even years, can cause unnecessary suffering for the person and their family members, worsen other diseases, lead to disability or premature death, and result in suicide (Those over 65-years-old account for more than 25% of the nation’s suicides).

Being depressed is not a normal part of aging, and it’s impossible “to just snap out of it”. Unlike sadness, which does not impact engaging in regular activities, depression interferes with the ability to function. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, other symptoms are: sadness that lasts more than two weeks, unexplained physical pain or gastrointestinal problems, excessive worry about finances and health, difficulty with sleeping and concentrating, weight changes, no interest in personal hygiene and appearance, and withdrawal from regular, social activities.

Like other illnesses, there are various types and levels of depression. Published in Cognitive Therapy and Research, a recent study determined that late-onset depression (in people over 60) can damage the brain’s executive functions (planning and control), and can spiral into excessive rumination (uncontrolled thought patterns that are repetitive, negative and destructive). Symptoms include inattention, a decline in the working memory, rigid thinking, and no inhibition.

Depression is sometimes difficult to diagnose among the aging. Rather than be considered weak or crazy, an older person usually describes physical pain to the physician rather than feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, loss of interest or prolonged grief. When properly diagnosed and treated, however, more than 80% of those suffering from depression recover fully and return to normal, productive lives.

You must convince your mom about the importance of a regular medical exam and get her to the doctor.  You might suggest that anemia, a problem with her thyroid and/or hormonal imbalance may also be contributors to her lethargy.

When you get her to the doctor, explain the symptoms and change in behavior carefully and be clear about how long it has been going on and your worry about the possibility of depression. A good anti-depressant can break the cycle of systemic depression that often results from a long term problem that has gone untreated.

Then be sure she takes her medicine as prescribed, as it takes a while to become affective, and be sure she does not stop abruptly or without the permission of her physician.

Be My Valentine

Below is a sweet letter to my column that I love to rerun at this time of the year.

Dear Linda:
My wife and I have been married for over 50 years. Valentine's Day is coming, but we're on a fixed income and splurging isn't possible. I can't think of anything that fits our budget but is special enough to show the love of my life how much I care.
From,
Wanting to be Romantic.
Dear Wanting to be Romantic:

Your desire alone to show your wife how much you love her says a great deal about you and why you have a successful marriage. Most women long to feel cherished and rarely is that about what's bought or how much is spent. Thought and effort make a woman feel valued.

Write her a love letter. Chronicle the wonderful times in your marriage, describe the qualities that make her extraordinary, and thank her for all she's done to make your life special. Personalize the salutation with an endearment and close with a promise of enduring love.

Use special stationary, spray it with cologne, and put it on her pillow so she will find it in the morning. Your words will be a blessing then and a comfort in the future whenever she rereads it.

Tell her you've planned the day--an outing to a fair, free art show or historical museum, a concert in the park or a drive in the country. Pack a picnic lunch, a thermos of hot chocolate or cappuccino, blankets and lawn chairs. Be sure to stop and watch the sunset.

Cook dinner for her. Even if you're not the best chef in the kitchen, simple fare served beautifully will be remembered. Don't forget candles (lots of little ones floating in a glass bowl are romantic), fresh flowers (less expensive bought at the grocery store), and music you can dance to afterward. Have her favorite movie to watch together and hold hands.

You will have orchestrated a day she will never forget, and said "I love you" with your every action.

A Favorite Inspirational Story

Two Men

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
     
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every after noon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by the activity and color of the world outside.
     
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the man couldn’t hear the band, he could see it clearly in his mind’s eye.
     
They shared these moments over the days and weeks that passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
     
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
     
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside that his dear friend had so beautifully described. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside his bed. It faced a blank wall.
     
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased friend to describe such wonderful things outside the window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not have even seen the wall. She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”

      Despite our own situation, there is tremendous happiness in making others happy. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared is doubled.