Holiday Sadness

We've just celebrated Thanksgiving, and I have so much to be thankful for--good health, fulfilling work, wonderful friends and a lovely family.

I love the holidays because they are a particularly special time for family members to gather, express their love, and pass on cherished traditions to new generations. Most of us spend a lifetime anticipating and treasuring these moments and the people with whom we share them.

The holiday season can be a very hard time, though, for those who have experienced loss--a family member, their job or their home. As we grow older, losing that which we love is not only more common but also happens in multiple ways. Loss causes people to struggle with sadness and even depression and none of us are immune.

Normally, these feelings of sadness during the holidays are temporary and don’t impact ability to function. If, however, you feel so sad that you’re losing interest in or withdrawing from regular activities, experiencing a lack of energy, inability to concentrate, or a change in your eating or sleeping patterns, consult your physician about the possibility of depression.

Clinical depression, which can also be caused by bio-chemical changes in the brain, interferes with performing the simplest tasks, erodes self-esteem, and can cause the affected person to question the value of life.

The good news is that treatment that includes behavioral changes and medication is highly effective, dramatically so among seniors. Treatment should be carefully monitored and results vary, but there is marked improvement in 4-12 weeks.

Talk therapy is also beneficial. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and sympathize, and seek out a good therapist. Contact the American Association for Geriatric Psychiatry (AAGP) at 301-654-7850 or visit main@aagponline.org to request board-certified experts in your area.

If you find yourself alone during the holidays, be kind to yourself, even indulgent. Buy that new outfit or bauble you’ve been wanting forever; have a spa day (manicure, pedicure or massage—perhaps all three), and invite a friend to go out with you to a new restaurant. You’ll feel special and will be adding new memories to your holiday recollections, perhaps even creating some new holiday traditions.

If you know someone who is alone, invite them into your holiday. Christmas is a time for giving, and giving of yourself is the best gift of all.

Cheaters Never Prosper?????

One of the values considered important in my family was never to cheat--not in school or work, not on your taxes and not in a relationship. It would seem this life lesson has become archaic.

CEOs have thought nothing of destroying a company as long as their pockets were lined; too many politicians are corrupt, and infidelity is rampant. The legacy is that our children have few models in our society, and even at home, for honesty and integrity. As a result they think nothing of cheating, and many have been doing so since elementary school. Some even take pride in having cheated their way through school, reveling in the stories of their creativity or the teacher’s stupidity.

Cheating crosses all boundaries too. It’s not just the “losers” who try to take the easy way out. Now, it’s the “good” students too who cheat rather than risk failing. There have been examples of National Honor Society officers and top 12 students who have stolen tests and plagiarized papers. And believe me; it’s tough to talk to number 13, who didn’t cheat, about why life is not fair.

The legacy of so many kids cheating most of the time, besides the obvious moral problem, is the epidemic on the college level of kids flunking out—now in astronomical numbers. They already begin college with knowing far less and because they are not accustomed to studying or working hard, they can’t make it.

The ramifications for our country are terrifying. How will these kids contribute to society? How, like generations before them, will they move us forward? How will they help us to compete on the international level? The United States was once the number one educational system in the world. Today, we are 24th and dropping.

The effects of no moral compass and diminishing work ethic will be our country's demise. We must tackle this problem or our heyday as the leader of the free world is over.

Recipe for Powerful Parenting

I’ve gotten many requests from readers asking me to take the flip side and analyze what makes a good kid good. I firmly believe it is all about parenting. Schools can only offer the continued development, reinforcement, and enrichment of the education that the parents should begin with a child from the moment they’re born. Good kids are the outgrowth of positive and effective parenting.

Now, I know this is no easy trick. I believe parenting is the hardest job on earth. I know because I’ve done it with two kids. No other work comes with more emotional baggage or less training, and if the modeling that we had as children was ineffective too, we have an even greater challenge, but I also believe there is no other job in life more important or gratifying.

I tackled parenting my own children with at least the same commitment and energy as I have given to any other work I have ever done. I did my research and read everything I could about effective parenting. I picked the brains of friends who had children about the techniques that worked best for them, and I analyzed my family’s style of child rearing to delineate what I would or would not pass on to the next generation. Then I put all that material away and followed my heart and instincts.

I created the most positive, loving relationship I could while modeling and reinforcing the values I wanted my children to assimilate and the behavior I wanted them to emulate, and when I have students who are as well-behaved, motivated, hard-working and successful as my children became (I am definitely a proud mama), I find that their parents did the same.

What constitutes effective parenting? If caring parents incorporated the following, they would create children who would become a force—powerful, passionate, persuasive, and ultimately prominent in whatever they choose to do.

• Conviction—Parents must clarify their own beliefs and values before hoping to pass them on. Decide what values are most important to you. Complete honesty, faithfulness, hard work, commitment, and excellence in all things were the ones I wanted my children to embrace, and they are the values I encourage in my students as well.

• Courage—A parent must be tough—set clear boundaries, enforce rules consistently, and have high expectations for their children despite what is happening among their peers, your peers or society. Honest feedback is important. Children need to know that you will always tell them the truth, even if it is hard to hear.

• Compromise—Though it is critical to have clarity of conviction and rules, flexibility must also be the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and it is a relationship you are creating with your child that will continue to evolve throughout your lives. If you are too inflexible, you risk breaking your child’s spirit and ultimately breaking the relationship. Be reasonable in all things.

• Constancy—Be dependable. Make sure your children know they can come to you about anything. Be consistent. If they know what they can expect from you, you will ensure their feeling of safety. Create traditions your children will remember and cherish. Have morning and evening rituals. Make holidays unique to your family. Repetition in all things is important—for learning and for security.

• Compassion—Hear your child’s voice with your heart. Be available to listen to them when they speak, to hug them fiercely when they’re hurt, to believe in them, to be proud of them and to tell them so often.