There is an epidemic among kids today. Often they (there are exceptions of course) are extremely rude and disrespectful. They are certainly not well-spoken and more often than not just plain vulgar; they do not exercise even the basest level of consideration, and they are completely self-centered.
Other people’s feelings are just not important to them—the reason, I am convinced that bullying in every form is no longer an aberration but a norm. Kids are out of control, feeling entitled and just plain obnoxious, and their lack of propriety and discipline will be their demise.
The resolution to this problem begins with parents who need to recognize the severity of the problem and get back in charge. Even if your child is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, they will shine if they’re well mannered and respectful. Adults are impressed when a child’s behavior is exemplary and let’s face it; the adults in the life of a child give the feedback that impacts their self-esteem and self-image.
Teaching a child manners and appropriate behavior contributes mightily to character building. If the parent expects the child to be respectful, kind, considerate and controlled, then the child will be respectful, kind, considerate and controlled. It is just that simple and powerful, but this training (and that is what it is) must begin as early as age one and must be reinforced and modeled constantly and consistently throughout the preschool and elementary school ages.
The following are some basic guidelines that parents and grandparents should instill. Teach your child:
1. a reverence for their elders—to stand up when someone older walks into the room, to greet them politely (with words, a firm handshake or a hug), and to listen attentively even if the stories are repeats. It’s how they will learn your family’s values and history. If you teach your child that they must treat all their elders with respect, they will also treat you with respect.
2. to open doors for others, to allow elders always to go first, and to say thank you if someone opens a door for them.
3. to say hello, good-bye, have a good day, please, thank you, you’re welcome, pardon me, excuse me, may I, and I’m sorry—If you teach your child to speak respectfully, they will become considerate of others. Teaching a child to be polite and humble is a gift to them. They will become content with their circumstances, and people will treat them with respect.
4. to pay attention when spoken to—an active listener learns better, is more present in their circumstance, is more popular with their peers, and more successful in their relationships.
5. to wait—for their turn to speak, for their turn in line, and for what they want. You create a child who learns to be patient and to value what’s really important in life.
6. to honor the differences between people with respect to culture, race and religion—no name calling, not even in fun. Teasing is hurtful regardless of motivation.
7. to clean up after themselves—whether at home, at someone else’s house or at school, children should learn never to leave a mess but should instead leave things even better than they found them. You will create a child who is organized, attentive to details, and who will take pleasure in an orderly environment.
8. to be a good sport—not to gloat if they win and not to sulk if they lose, but instead to be pleasant and to congratulate.
9. to share with others—teach your child to have a generous spirit, to consider people and relationships more important than things.
10. to be honest—to share their thoughts and feelings authentically but respectfully and to follow all the rules (legal, moral and societal) to accomplish their goals.
Parents…you must start parenting. Begin teaching and training as soon as your child understands what you’re saying. When your child does something well, tell them so effusively and when they do something wrong, tell them gently and show them how it is done best and why.
Gift your children with good manners, strong values and a generous spirit and you will ensure their success.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Crisis in the Classroom
I have been teaching for almost 20 years and sadly (and now terrifyingly) what I have recognized is that each year the students are progressively more ill-mannered, illiterate and ill-equipped. We babyboomers are trusting our futures to young people who will not be prepared to handle their own adulthood much less make wise and well-informed decisions for us when we're in the home.
Now, there are exceptions and I have had the privilege to teach a good number of them, but they are becoming the minority. The group of teens who are respectful, motivated to do well, and highly responsible is shrinking in size, and we are losing entirely the middle-class group—the strong B-C students who are hard workers but not necessarily destined for college and much better suited for skilled work in the various trades. Today in schools, we have that much smaller group of great kids and all the rest, who are out of control, driven by a sense of entitlement rather than earned success, and out of touch with any sort of moral compass.
Just recently, and not for the first time, "top" students have even been involved in cheating. I have had many students tell me (and most with pride or levity) that they have cheated their way through school from as early as elementary school. They have convinced themselves that it is so critical to be on top (or even just to pass) that playing fair and following rules is just not important; in fact, has no value. The legacy of that, of course, is that even the "good" kids believe the ends justify any means, and we are producing kids who know little or nothing.
Then there is the student who cares so little that as long as they pass a class, they’re satisfied. I’ve tried to explain the concept of what knowing only 70% of anything means—that they wouldn’t want a doctor who only knew 70% of the material performing surgery on them or they wouldn’t want to work in a building where the architect only knew 70% of the material, but they don’t get it.
They believe somehow that just because they exist, they should succeed—a sense of entitlement that is contributing greatly to the demise of the modern student. They want to make six figures, but are not at all interested in investing the time or effort necessary to reach that level of success.
Who is to blame? The parents, of course, are the first target. Many have turned the job of parenting over to $5.00 an hour caregivers with different values and morals, who are not well educated themselves and certainly not as motivated as the parent would be to invest in their child.
Honestly, I don’t really understand having children and turning them over to daycare to raise unless there is absolutely no alternative. What a precious experience missed forever and what a disadvantage to the child.
The result—guilty parents who compensate with over-indulgence, are too tired to expect much and too terrified to discipline, and out of control first graders with mouths like sailors and behavior that is belligerent at best. Have you ever watched Super Nanny? Those are no longer aberrant situations. Imagine 25 of those kids in a classroom. It is no wonder that the quality of education is being impacted.
And what do the parents do when their kids are out of control? They blame the school and expect it to resolve the problem, and perhaps the school could discipline and make a difference when they’re on the elementary level, but all its programs to correct behavior fail when there is no consistency at home.
If we get them acting out in high school, it is really too late to make a difference. Hear this parents! If your child is not a conscientious student who behaves well, they will not succeed in high school, and it may be too late to impact a change for the positive. Their success in high school and later in college, if they make it in, is totally predicated on their training during those critical preschool and elementary school years. If you don’t do it then, you and your child will pay the piper in junior high school and thereafter.
The schools, of course, have to accept responsibility too. Historically, the schools have resisted parenting in lieu of educating, but, because parenting is nonexistent in too many cases, valuable time is now spent teaching students basic manners, respectable dress, time management and a sense of responsibility.
The schools have also relaxed expectations. The effort to “Leave No Child Behind” has resulted in passing kids who can’t read or write a complete sentence, and rather than deal with the problem, we deny the problem exists or put on a band aid and hope we can get them graduated. I was part of a conference with parents and counselors trying to determine college attendance for their student who was really illiterate. I was appalled and astounded that they were not trying to determine how to get this kid skilled in some trade that would result in him becoming a productive member of our society.
Unlike in almost any other country where students earn the right to higher education with hard work, good grades and exemplary behavior, we give our students the notion that they are entitled to a college education whether or not they’ve worked for that opportunity. At some point, we decided in America that working in the trades is not a lofty enough goal or important enough work, so, because there are fewer of them, my plumber earns $100 an hour, a lot more than I do as a teacher or writer, and I have a Master’s Degree.
Not all students are college material and when we send those who are ill-equipped, we impact the quality of everyone’s education. We’ve watered down the education on the high school level to accommodate the masses and now we’re watering down college. America is in trouble because our kids will not be as skilled or as educated as any number of our enemies like Iran or competitors like India and China. Already, American children cannot compete with students globally in math and science. When once we were the number one educational system in the world, we are now 24th. Scary enough for you?
The third area of fault needs to be placed squarely on the shoulders of society as a whole. To what have we reduced ourselves? Nuclear families who have isolated themselves from the love, support, wisdom and encouragement of older generations; the preoccupation with being on one screen or another 24/7. It seems everyone is glued to their televisions, computers and phones like they are appendages.
As a result, kids’ social skills are nonexistent because they can only relate to their families and friends via facebook and texting, and the family is breaking down because they can’t even find time for a family meal (now known to be significant tradition for producing a successful kid.)
Kids are immune to violence because of the movies and games to which they are constantly exposed, and they are promiscuous because of what they see on the television in their own living rooms.
It isn’t just because there is a 50% divorce rate or a 10% unemployment rate. Financial and familial struggles have existed forever. The difference is how we are dealing or not dealing with those struggles.
What to do? Well, I think my next book may be about this topic so stayed tuned for suggestions.
Now, there are exceptions and I have had the privilege to teach a good number of them, but they are becoming the minority. The group of teens who are respectful, motivated to do well, and highly responsible is shrinking in size, and we are losing entirely the middle-class group—the strong B-C students who are hard workers but not necessarily destined for college and much better suited for skilled work in the various trades. Today in schools, we have that much smaller group of great kids and all the rest, who are out of control, driven by a sense of entitlement rather than earned success, and out of touch with any sort of moral compass.
Just recently, and not for the first time, "top" students have even been involved in cheating. I have had many students tell me (and most with pride or levity) that they have cheated their way through school from as early as elementary school. They have convinced themselves that it is so critical to be on top (or even just to pass) that playing fair and following rules is just not important; in fact, has no value. The legacy of that, of course, is that even the "good" kids believe the ends justify any means, and we are producing kids who know little or nothing.
Then there is the student who cares so little that as long as they pass a class, they’re satisfied. I’ve tried to explain the concept of what knowing only 70% of anything means—that they wouldn’t want a doctor who only knew 70% of the material performing surgery on them or they wouldn’t want to work in a building where the architect only knew 70% of the material, but they don’t get it.
They believe somehow that just because they exist, they should succeed—a sense of entitlement that is contributing greatly to the demise of the modern student. They want to make six figures, but are not at all interested in investing the time or effort necessary to reach that level of success.
Who is to blame? The parents, of course, are the first target. Many have turned the job of parenting over to $5.00 an hour caregivers with different values and morals, who are not well educated themselves and certainly not as motivated as the parent would be to invest in their child.
Honestly, I don’t really understand having children and turning them over to daycare to raise unless there is absolutely no alternative. What a precious experience missed forever and what a disadvantage to the child.
The result—guilty parents who compensate with over-indulgence, are too tired to expect much and too terrified to discipline, and out of control first graders with mouths like sailors and behavior that is belligerent at best. Have you ever watched Super Nanny? Those are no longer aberrant situations. Imagine 25 of those kids in a classroom. It is no wonder that the quality of education is being impacted.
And what do the parents do when their kids are out of control? They blame the school and expect it to resolve the problem, and perhaps the school could discipline and make a difference when they’re on the elementary level, but all its programs to correct behavior fail when there is no consistency at home.
If we get them acting out in high school, it is really too late to make a difference. Hear this parents! If your child is not a conscientious student who behaves well, they will not succeed in high school, and it may be too late to impact a change for the positive. Their success in high school and later in college, if they make it in, is totally predicated on their training during those critical preschool and elementary school years. If you don’t do it then, you and your child will pay the piper in junior high school and thereafter.
The schools, of course, have to accept responsibility too. Historically, the schools have resisted parenting in lieu of educating, but, because parenting is nonexistent in too many cases, valuable time is now spent teaching students basic manners, respectable dress, time management and a sense of responsibility.
The schools have also relaxed expectations. The effort to “Leave No Child Behind” has resulted in passing kids who can’t read or write a complete sentence, and rather than deal with the problem, we deny the problem exists or put on a band aid and hope we can get them graduated. I was part of a conference with parents and counselors trying to determine college attendance for their student who was really illiterate. I was appalled and astounded that they were not trying to determine how to get this kid skilled in some trade that would result in him becoming a productive member of our society.
Unlike in almost any other country where students earn the right to higher education with hard work, good grades and exemplary behavior, we give our students the notion that they are entitled to a college education whether or not they’ve worked for that opportunity. At some point, we decided in America that working in the trades is not a lofty enough goal or important enough work, so, because there are fewer of them, my plumber earns $100 an hour, a lot more than I do as a teacher or writer, and I have a Master’s Degree.
Not all students are college material and when we send those who are ill-equipped, we impact the quality of everyone’s education. We’ve watered down the education on the high school level to accommodate the masses and now we’re watering down college. America is in trouble because our kids will not be as skilled or as educated as any number of our enemies like Iran or competitors like India and China. Already, American children cannot compete with students globally in math and science. When once we were the number one educational system in the world, we are now 24th. Scary enough for you?
The third area of fault needs to be placed squarely on the shoulders of society as a whole. To what have we reduced ourselves? Nuclear families who have isolated themselves from the love, support, wisdom and encouragement of older generations; the preoccupation with being on one screen or another 24/7. It seems everyone is glued to their televisions, computers and phones like they are appendages.
As a result, kids’ social skills are nonexistent because they can only relate to their families and friends via facebook and texting, and the family is breaking down because they can’t even find time for a family meal (now known to be significant tradition for producing a successful kid.)
Kids are immune to violence because of the movies and games to which they are constantly exposed, and they are promiscuous because of what they see on the television in their own living rooms.
It isn’t just because there is a 50% divorce rate or a 10% unemployment rate. Financial and familial struggles have existed forever. The difference is how we are dealing or not dealing with those struggles.
What to do? Well, I think my next book may be about this topic so stayed tuned for suggestions.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Shanghai Shines
I missed writing my Saturday column because I was touring in Communist China, and boy what an experience that was. I'm not entirely sure what I expected, but what I found in Shanghai was truly amazing.
I knew there would be lots of people, and there were--dashing about in large groups, racing around on thousands of bikes and motorcycles, and gliding on boats, gigantic and tiny, on the Huangpu River.
I found the people to be industrious and friendly, though they stared unashamedly at us. The average height of the men in our group was 6'2" and we had several women almost that tall. The Chinese are really tiny, so we all felt like giants and must have appeared so to them.
For we Americans, personal space was an issue when we were sightseeing and shopping on the Nanjing Road and in charming old town. The Chinese don't have the luxury of the bubbles we have come to expect. They live in relatively tiny spaces (1000-1500 square feet is average) often with many family members, so touching and crowding routinely happens everywhere, but, for us, it was a bit disconcerting.
Food was extreme--dramatically presented and exotic in flavor. Live chickens, eels, and crabs, and vegetables that looked like they were on steroids were commonplace in the markets, and though tofu and starchy white rice were staples on the table (and I'm not a fan of either), most of the dishes were delicious. I adored the bok choy, which I was excited about because it is one of those powerful cancer fighting foods.
What was most amazing about Shanghai was the color. During the day, gardens profuse with ruby pointsettias, orange blossoms and golden pansies abounded. They lined the streets, filled the parks, and encircled every building. Ponds, fountains, bamboo and delicate trees adorned temples and restaurants. Creeks and canals snaked through the city, and potted gardens guarded every corner. The buildings shone--jade and blue glass stretching seemingly thousands of stories to the sky sparkled in the sunlight.
The signs (which were mostly in English) were huge, dramatic and colorful, but nothing had prepared me for the night time when lights of every color emblazoned the city. The blue-lit roadways ribboned through the city and all the trees twinkled, but it was the skyscrappers that were almost unbelievable--each more exraordinary than the next, and all these massive buildings were erected in the last 20 years--when the Communist government recognized that its economic policy perpetuated poverty and that capitalism allowed citizens to flourish.
So rather than the restraint, armed guards and tanks I expected, I found a version of America--individuality, industry and excitement at every turn--freedom to succeed, a consequence of capitalism that we in America must never compromise.
Even the Communists know now that it's true that human beings work hard and prosper when they can profit from their own industry, that success is not predicated on hand-outs, and that profit, prosperity and advancement is the consequence of self-motivation.
I loved Shanghai and recommend it as an introductory city to China. It is a fabulous example of the cooperative and successful meshing of the best of two oppositional cultures and governments.
I knew there would be lots of people, and there were--dashing about in large groups, racing around on thousands of bikes and motorcycles, and gliding on boats, gigantic and tiny, on the Huangpu River.
I found the people to be industrious and friendly, though they stared unashamedly at us. The average height of the men in our group was 6'2" and we had several women almost that tall. The Chinese are really tiny, so we all felt like giants and must have appeared so to them.
For we Americans, personal space was an issue when we were sightseeing and shopping on the Nanjing Road and in charming old town. The Chinese don't have the luxury of the bubbles we have come to expect. They live in relatively tiny spaces (1000-1500 square feet is average) often with many family members, so touching and crowding routinely happens everywhere, but, for us, it was a bit disconcerting.
Food was extreme--dramatically presented and exotic in flavor. Live chickens, eels, and crabs, and vegetables that looked like they were on steroids were commonplace in the markets, and though tofu and starchy white rice were staples on the table (and I'm not a fan of either), most of the dishes were delicious. I adored the bok choy, which I was excited about because it is one of those powerful cancer fighting foods.
What was most amazing about Shanghai was the color. During the day, gardens profuse with ruby pointsettias, orange blossoms and golden pansies abounded. They lined the streets, filled the parks, and encircled every building. Ponds, fountains, bamboo and delicate trees adorned temples and restaurants. Creeks and canals snaked through the city, and potted gardens guarded every corner. The buildings shone--jade and blue glass stretching seemingly thousands of stories to the sky sparkled in the sunlight.
The signs (which were mostly in English) were huge, dramatic and colorful, but nothing had prepared me for the night time when lights of every color emblazoned the city. The blue-lit roadways ribboned through the city and all the trees twinkled, but it was the skyscrappers that were almost unbelievable--each more exraordinary than the next, and all these massive buildings were erected in the last 20 years--when the Communist government recognized that its economic policy perpetuated poverty and that capitalism allowed citizens to flourish.
So rather than the restraint, armed guards and tanks I expected, I found a version of America--individuality, industry and excitement at every turn--freedom to succeed, a consequence of capitalism that we in America must never compromise.
Even the Communists know now that it's true that human beings work hard and prosper when they can profit from their own industry, that success is not predicated on hand-outs, and that profit, prosperity and advancement is the consequence of self-motivation.
I loved Shanghai and recommend it as an introductory city to China. It is a fabulous example of the cooperative and successful meshing of the best of two oppositional cultures and governments.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Remembering to Love Despite Alzheimer's
"It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back my tears as he left, and all I could think was that I wanted that kind of love in my life."
5.3 million people suffer with Alzheimer's Disease, and there is still so much confusion about the difference between being forgetful and the onset of far more dramatic symptoms that, when caught early are, are treatable.
The Alzheimer’s Foundation (866-232-8484) recommends screenings to anyone with concerns about their memory. The foundation sponsors National Memory Screening Day each November, when free screenings are offered at more than 2,000 sites nationwide, including at many assisted living facilities.
They say that the test is no substitute for a medical diagnosis, but it can tip people off to early Alzheimer's disease and other types of dementias, and can encourage a patient to see a doctor who could prescribe a treatment plan to slow the progression of symptoms.
The Alzheimer’s Foundation discusses the disease as follows:
•Alzheimer's disease dates back to 1906 when Dr. Alois Alzheimer, a German physician, presented a case history before a medical meeting of a 51-year-old woman who suffered from a rare brain disorder. A brain autopsy identified the plaques and tangles that today characterize Alzheimer's disease.
•Alzheimer's disease is a progressive, degenerative disorder that attacks the brain's nerve cells, or neurons, resulting in loss of memory, thinking and language skills, and behavioral changes.
•Two types of abnormal lesions clog the brains of individuals with Alzheimer's disease. They are sticky clumps of protein fragments and cellular material that form outside and around the neurons.
•Alzheimer's disease is the most common cause of dementia, or loss of intellectual function, among people aged 65 and older, but it is NOT a normal part of aging.
Signs of Alzheimer's vs. Typical age-related changes
Poor judgment and decision making vs. Making a bad decision once in a while
Inability to manage a budget vs. Missing a monthly payment
Losing track of the date or the season vs. Forgetting which day it is and remembering later
Difficulty having a conversation vs. Sometimes forgetting which word to use
Misplacing things and being unable to retrace steps to find them vs. Losing things from time to time
Get screened (It takes only minutes), if you have any concern about your memory. You can allay your fears or address the symptoms ASAP!
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back my tears as he left, and all I could think was that I wanted that kind of love in my life."
5.3 million people suffer with Alzheimer's Disease, and there is still so much confusion about the difference between being forgetful and the onset of far more dramatic symptoms that, when caught early are, are treatable.
The Alzheimer’s Foundation (866-232-8484) recommends screenings to anyone with concerns about their memory. The foundation sponsors National Memory Screening Day each November, when free screenings are offered at more than 2,000 sites nationwide, including at many assisted living facilities.
They say that the test is no substitute for a medical diagnosis, but it can tip people off to early Alzheimer's disease and other types of dementias, and can encourage a patient to see a doctor who could prescribe a treatment plan to slow the progression of symptoms.
The Alzheimer’s Foundation discusses the disease as follows:
•Alzheimer's disease dates back to 1906 when Dr. Alois Alzheimer, a German physician, presented a case history before a medical meeting of a 51-year-old woman who suffered from a rare brain disorder. A brain autopsy identified the plaques and tangles that today characterize Alzheimer's disease.
•Alzheimer's disease is a progressive, degenerative disorder that attacks the brain's nerve cells, or neurons, resulting in loss of memory, thinking and language skills, and behavioral changes.
•Two types of abnormal lesions clog the brains of individuals with Alzheimer's disease. They are sticky clumps of protein fragments and cellular material that form outside and around the neurons.
•Alzheimer's disease is the most common cause of dementia, or loss of intellectual function, among people aged 65 and older, but it is NOT a normal part of aging.
Signs of Alzheimer's vs. Typical age-related changes
Poor judgment and decision making vs. Making a bad decision once in a while
Inability to manage a budget vs. Missing a monthly payment
Losing track of the date or the season vs. Forgetting which day it is and remembering later
Difficulty having a conversation vs. Sometimes forgetting which word to use
Misplacing things and being unable to retrace steps to find them vs. Losing things from time to time
Get screened (It takes only minutes), if you have any concern about your memory. You can allay your fears or address the symptoms ASAP!
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