When Do We Become Our Parents' Parent?

A dear friend shared a difficult problem with me today. Her mother, though living fairly well on her own now, is showing signs of needing more help. She’s not able to see well enough to keep her house clean and safe. She’s having trouble keeping her medications straight, and she’s struggling with fear and loneliness. The mother is unwilling to leave her home, in a state across the country where her other children live, but is hopeful that my friend, a widow without children, will give up her home and life to move in with her.

 

My friend is struggling. She loves her mother, but she also loves her life. What to do?

 

My friend and her siblings have tried the obvious—hiring cleaning people, but the mom doesn’t want strangers in her house; rotating responsibilities among family members, but the drain on members with families and jobs is great, and coming for periods of time throughout the year to stay with her, but mom wants more and now needs more.

 

When do we step in and/or take over?

 

It’s a difficult decision to make and a hard decision to live out. I took care of my parents for almost five years and there were times that I wondered how long I could do it. I was working full time and still taking care of my own family and home. The toll it took on me was physical and emotional. I landed in the hospital with inflamed muscles from lifting a wheel chair and 180-pound man repeatedly. I suffered with exhaustion from doing too much every day and every evening, and I experienced the blues about losing my parents and losing my life as I had once known it.

 

Read in my book Living Agelessly: Creating a Lifestyle for Midlife and Beyond  about how to deal with the emotions associated with this challenging life issue, and below please find some good suggestions from a site www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/03/taking-care-of-aging-parents-as-a-family.html you should visit.

 

“What is an Elderly Parent?

How do you know when your aging parent is in need of help? What signs are there to indicate it may be time to step in and help your parents? Specifying a particular age to signify an “aging” or “elderly parent” would be meaningless, because each person is different in their abilities and health as they enter their advancing years. One elderly parent may be in their early 60’s when needing help, while another parent may not need help until well into their 70’s or 80’s.

Becoming keenly aware of a parents ability to fulfill the basics of living such as bathing and grooming, preparing meals, caring for household chores, doing laundry, remembering and paying bills as needed, shopping, driving skills etc, are all telltale signs of whether a parent may be in need of some assistance.

Caring for an elderly parent encompasses responsibilities from the very basic needs of living, to dealing with physical and mental health problems (such as Alzheimer’s or Dementia), insurance and long-term care, where a parent will live when no longer able to live alone, discussing the parents wishes and desires if incapacitated or unable to make coherent decisions, and much more.

Talking With an Aging Parent

While it is certainly advantageous and recommended for a parent to make plans for their own care before an emergency or serious health problems occur, adult children must often take on the weighty responsibility of caregiver before becoming fully informed of everything involved with caring for an aging parent.

It is then necessary for the family, especially grown adult children to have a family meeting with the parents to ask questions well before an emergency situation arises, gather and save necessary documents (financial, insurance, wills, etc) regarding what needs there are or will be at some point in the future.

• Who will be the primary caregiver?
• What role will others in the family play in caring for the parent or Grandparent?
• What can teenagers and younger family members do to help?
• Are there any signs that some help is needed now? What are they?
• What responsibilities can be shared, and by whom?
• Is there a need to supervise medications, shopping, doctor visits, etc?
• Is there a list of assets and their value? If so, where is it?
• Is there a will, a living will, medical directive, power of attorney? If so, where?
• Location of birth certificates, social security card, marriage and/or divorce certificates, education and military records.
• Is there a private pension, what is the amount, is it directly deposited? Where?
• Are there Social Security payments? How much? How is it deposited?
• Is there a list of all bank accounts, CD’s, safety deposit boxes, IRA’s, stocks, etc? Where?
• What debts are there? Mortgages, credit cards, car payment?
• Is there adequate medical insurance? Long-term care insurance? Medicare? Medicaid? Prescription plan?
• Has anyone consulted with an elder-care attorney?
• Can the elderly parent live alone? Where will the parent live if unable to live alone?
• What about an Independent Living or Assisted Living facility, or a Nursing Home?
• What medications are being taken, and in what dosage? By prescription or over the counter?
• Are there any prepaid funeral expenses? Prepaid burial plot? Are there any specific funeral arrangements desired?
• What are the parent’s wishes regarding when to issue or agree to a “Do Not Resuscitate” order, also known as a D.N.R.?
• Is an Obituary notice in the newspaper desired? How much does it cost? (Some newspapers offer this as a complimentary service, while others charge hundreds of dollars for a two-inch block of text).
• Is there a preferred funeral home? Should there be a viewing? Who will deliver the eulogy?
• Is cremation desired? Are there any specific wishes regarding the funeral service?

These are just some of the many questions that must be asked and respectfully discussed with the parent, allowing the aging parent to retain as much as control as possible over their own care and needs. Educate yourself on legal, financial and medical matters that relate to your parent and the aging process prior to having the family meeting, being sure to include information and facts learned to the discussion.

While you may feel somewhat nervous about discussing death with a loved one, you may be surprised to find that most elderly people are not afraid to talk about it and will appreciate your willingness to carry out their wishes.

Helping Aging Parents as a Family Unit

The entire family is responsible for caring for the numerous and sometimes difficult demands of an aging parent, including young members of the family. Too often this responsibility is placed solely on the shoulders of one adult child, while others in the family shirk their duty to be supportive and helpful in the process.

Baby Boomers are now caring for their parents, in what has been called the Sandwich Generation, while at the same time trying to care for their own children, household chores, jobs and marriages. Regardless of how far away from their parents that adult children and grandchildren live, each member of the family needs to do everything within their power to help care for the needs of Grandma or Grandpa.

Making regular phone calls, sending cards and letters, scrapbook collections and photo’s of fun and happy times, occasional gifts “just because” or to say “I love you” are all things even younger children and teenagers can do to help support the family’s caring for the elderly grandparent. Distance is no excuse to leave all the responsibility to the sibling living closest to the parent.

Think of all the various household chores that are necessary in your own home, and that many families share in, to keep a home clean and in good working order. All of these and more are required to care for elderly parents and grandparents too. Teenagers and younger children can help Grandma and Grandpa with dusting, vacuuming, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, calling on the phone, drawing pictures and cards, playing board games, etc according to their individual abilities. Helping in these ways allows grown adults the time to care for more difficult and time-consuming responsibilities like heavy yard work, car repairs and maintenance, grocery shopping, making sure bills have been paid, etc.

By working together as a family, being supportive and helpful in caring for the many needs of the elderly parent, families will have the joy and pleasure of knowing that their efforts were greatly appreciated by the aging parent or grandparent, as well as knowing that they fulfilled the requirement to “honor your father and mother” while they were alive.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are Your Emotions Making You Sick?

I thought I was going to discuss strategies for handling the loss of loved ones in last week's blog, but instead I got really sick—sinus, upper respiratory and double ear infections. I’ve been a mess for over a week.

 

My friends have all suggested that my emotional state has had everything to do with my susceptibility to illness, and I had to address that as a possibility. Did my sadness, depression and anger open me up to physical sickness as well?

 

We can’t avoid feeling our emotions, but it has long been believed that when we suppress them, we get into trouble. Suppression of emotions includes denying they exist, not discussing them when we do recognize them, not dealing with them if there is action about them that we can take, and not releasing them after resolution. We must acknowledge how we feel, process how we feel, and then let those feelings go.

 

Our physical bodies and emotions are intricately intertwined, so when we repress our feelings instead of ultimately releasing them, blockages can occur, energy flow is impacted, and various muscles and organs are affected adversely.

 

Eastern medicine advocates a direct link between specific emotions and certain areas of the body.  It is believed that sadness weakens the lungs and can result in flu, colds, fatigue and shortness of breath. That would certainly explain my upper respiratory infection.

 

Anger and irritability damages the liver. The symptoms include muscle cramps, headaches and depression. Anxiety affects the spleen and results in sinus congestion, skin rashes and digestive problems.

 

Also, according to this philosophy, the associated feelings are compounded as well, so it all becomes a vicious cycle of sorts. You feel scared, for instance, and the fear weakens your kidney and results in fatigue, urinary problems, back and knee pain. As a result of those symptoms, your energy lowers even further but the feeling of fear increases.

 

I say in my book Living Agelessly: Creating a Lifestyle for Midlife and Beyond that…

 

“You will alter your life by altering your attitude. The evidence is mounting that a positive attitude not only impacts the quality of and contentment with life but also delays the aging process. Researchers at The University of Texas conducted a seven year experiment on over 1500 relatively healthy people to assess whether there was a link between emotions and the onset of frailty.

The researchers reported in the Journal of Psychology and Aging that although genes and physical health play a role in aging, that “those people who had a positive outlook on life were significantly less likely to become frail than those who were more pessimistic. They speculate that positive emotions may directly affect the quality of health by altering the chemical balance of the body.”

“I believe that there is a connection between mind and body,” said lead researcher Dr. Glenn Ostir, “and that our thoughts and attitudes/emotions affect physical functioning and over-all health, whether through direct mechanisms like immune function or indirect mechanisms like social support networks.”

There is even scientific evidence to suggest that a positive attitude can elongate life. Yale University Associate Professor Becca Levy found in her study of 660 people (338 men and 322 women over 50) that those with positive perceptions of aging lived 7.5 years longer than people with negative perceptions of getting older. She suggests that “this is a critical finding as medical achievements in the area of longevity are generally considered a success when they extend life by one-to-two years. The implications of attitude elongating life by seven years are extraordinary.”

Some suggestions for releasing emotions from Wikihow.com are:

 

1.   First of all, know that crying is not a sign of weakness. Let out your tears! Bottled up emotions lead to more emotional breakdowns in the future. Crying not only cleanses the eyes, but washes the pain away.

2.   Keep a diary. Each time you're feeling down in the dumps, write a journal entry about it. When you're feeling better, you can look back at the entry and think, "How did this pain make me stronger?"

3.   Find someone to talk to. Find someone you trust. If you feel comfortable talking to them and if they can listen to you, understand your pain, then they are the right person for you to turn to.

4.   Try to get to the source of the sadness, and insulate yourself from future damage if possible.

5.   Work through the reasons that provoke your crying. If you are jealous of someone, try to figure out if this reaction is really worth feeling sad about.

6.   Allow time to grieve. If sadness is due to the death of someone close to you, then it may take a bit longer for the sadness to pass. It is healthy to feel sad at the loss of a loved one so understand this and take one day at a time. Crying is perfectly normal at a time like this. Talking about it and expressing your feelings will also help.

7.   Use art to free some of your pain. It can be a poem, a song or a painting that describes what you're feeling and going through.

8.   Muster the courage to feel what actually exists inside you; the courage of an open heart.

9.   If your sadness is related to a family member passing away, do not forget them, but keep memories of them [pictures, home videos, favorite songs, etc.

10.  When you feel pain, find ways to pamper yourself—exercise to release endorphins, visit a spa, plan a day of enjoyment with others who love you, eat some carbs (dark chocolate is good), and rest well!

Saying Good-bye is Painful

I am getting ready to say goodbye to my first and only grandchild, my only daughter and her husband. They are moving by choice to the other side of the world to do work that is laudable but dangerous, and I’m having trouble with it.

The first time my daughter moved to Africa to do her work, she was single and essentially alone there. I was terrified for her, had panic attacks, and didn’t sleep for almost six months. Even though she didn’t admit it much, I know it was terribly difficult and scary for her too. She called me almost more than when she worked in Houston.

Because she will be returning with her husband, I am less worried. I expect that he will be as protective as possible in a dangerous and unpredictable locale, but I am really struggling with the loss of my granddaughter and with my anger at my daughter for risking themselves and taking Lily so far away.

In my last blog, I talked at length about the miracle of being a grandparent, and I’m sad about not being able to grandparent my sweet Lily. She is a darling little girl who is just beginning to coo and smile. At the very time her little personality will be most apparent, she’ll be gone.

I know I’m not alone in feeling this loss. Because of the ease of mobility, first within the United States and now throughout the world, the extended family is eroding more and more with each generation. I consider it a huge loss to the children involved as well, and as a teacher, I see the effects. Kids are more disconnected, and they see themselves as more vulnerable. Their relationships with their nuclear families are often strained and difficult.

I grew up in a great family with lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents, all who lived just minutes away. I spent as much time staying at my grandmom’s and my aunts’ homes as I did my own, and I loved every minute.

My grandparents were the storytellers in my family. They shared the stories of our heritage and our Armenian ancestry. They introduced me to the generations in our family, and they taught me our customs. My grandmother taught me how to cook, sew and love others, and my grandfather taught me about pride and generosity. I adored them, and they adored me.

Unconditional love is the sweetest of all—no expectations, no criticism, and no judgment. That was the love I experienced with my grandparents, and that was the kind of love I want to share with my granddaughter. I’m sad at not being able to. I’m sad at not sharing her life and not observing her growth.

Next time, I’ll talk about some of the strategies for coping, as I’m really hoping to be better able to handle this challenge than I did her last departure.

Grandparenting--A True Miracle

You may be wondering why I skipped a week. Well…I've been consumed with spending all the time I can with my first and only grandchild, Lillian Joyce, who was born July 31, 2009 in Dallas, Texas and has become the love of my life.

  I say in my book, Living Agelessly: Creating a Lifestyle for Midlife and Beyond,  "that the relationship a grandparent has with a grandchild is perhaps the closest thing to a real miracle”, and now I know that what I said, even before I had a grandchild, is the absolute truth.

  You get to experience pure love without the responsibility. For the most part, you are free to conspire, have fun, and even “spoil” without fear, and you're able to return them to your children when you’re finally tuckered out from so much enjoyment.  

  I’ve been with Lily almost daily for the last two months, and it has been a pleasure that defies description. She recognizes my voice, calms quickly in my care, falls asleep in my arms, and coos and smiles now when I look into her eyes. And because she looks just like my daughter did, it feels like 31 years has melted away as well. It’s been a great way to feel 28 again.

  When I was preparing to have my own children, I read everything written on how to do it better than the generation before, including natural childbirth, birthing rooms, Dad involved in the delivery, breastfeeding, and preparing all natural foods.

  Unlike my mother’s generation with their epidurals, formula and processed babyfood, I was a member of the Babyboomer generation intent, almost driven, to be the quintessential earth mother. And, we did it! Giving birth was changed dramatically, and the positive impact on the health and development of newborns and children was profound and lasting.

We were the generation responsible for Snuglis being invented to keep babies close to our hearts, car seats to keep them safe while traveling, and pacifiers (if you deigned to use them) with nipples that replicated Mom’s.

  Things are different now. Because doctors are so afraid of being sued for malpractice, “C” sections are epidemic; Moms have to fight for natural childbirth, and the use of drugs during delivery is more common again. 

I am also noticing that this generation is fitting their newborns and young children into an already determined set of plans rather than creating a new world that is specific to their welfare. That was our first consideration when we made decisions, because our children were the center of our world. Today, children seem to be a piece of a bigger picture rather than the whole photo. The jury is still out on which philosophy will be produce more successful adults and citizens.

  Whatever your assessments are about the differences in raising babies, tread lightly. I remember not asking my mother for much advice because she’d done it all so differently from me, but even if the new parents make the same choices you did, be careful about how you parent your adult children. Unless you’re asked, refrain, as much as you can, from giving advice about how they should raise their children. Instead, model the behavior with their children that you hope they will adopt. If you’re really uncomfortable with something, asking them questions is still better than telling them what to do, because that will generally make them defensive. They have to consider the issue before answering your questions, and that's what you want."

  I’ve been asked to make some recommendations about traveling with a young child, and though my experience with that has been limited, I’ve made some observations that I think are worth passing on. I hope they help. 

Ten Top Tips for Traveling with Tots

1. Make sure whatever you buy for your baby is collapsible, convertible and convenient. 

The collapsible pack and play by Graco is comfortable enough to use as a crib, has a vibrator and music for baby’s restless nights, and a great changing table attached with pockets for products. Add a “Womb Sounds Bear” by Dex Products or a “Hartley the Heart Beat Bear” by Mary Meyer, and everyone will get a good night’s rest, even if you’re in a far-off land.

The convertible carseat to have is by Britax.  It accommodates the growth of your baby from infancy on. Best of all, however, is that the seat portion detaches from the base, which stays strapped snuggly in the car, and becomes a mobile carrier and seat for your child when you reach your destination.

The most convenient form of feeding is breast milk. The "Hooter Hider" is a great product for feeding discretely, and it tucks easily into the diaper bag. If you need to transport milk, either breast milk or already made-up formula, consider freezing first and transporting in a good cooler that can also hold healthy snacks that need refrigeration. Medela has a great set of small refill bottles that can also be kept in the freezer for the occasional bottle for the breastfed baby, and Sassy has a great plastic, sectioned container that stores pre-measured amounts of powdered formula for bottles on the go. 

2. Always have at least six, gallon-size, zip-lock freezer bags (much stronger than plastic trash bags) tucked in your diaper bag. They can hold dirty diapers, accumulated trash, and items you need at your fingertips. Have one bag filled with travel size products you will need—toiletries for the baby (shampoo, lotion, baby oil), diaper rash ointment, thermometer, saline drops and nose suction bulb, Tide or Oxy-clean spot remover stick, and more wipes than you think you could ever use. Bring quarters and a sealed plastic bag of laundry soap for a laundry matt if you need to use one, and liquid soap to do laundry in the sink.  

3. Prepare a first-aid kit. Be sure to take any prescription medications that your baby requires, even if only on occasion. Fill out an emergency sheet containing contact names and numbers and your child's health information, including the names of any medications taken, so it's handy if needed.

4.  Take a hat to protect your baby from the sun or from the cold. Use sunscreen of at least SPF 15, with both UVA and UVB protection.  Apply in small amounts to the face and back of hands in babies under six months and wherever skin is exposed in older babies. Take socks to protect your baby from the cold weather and the air-conditioning. 

5. Think in terms of light layers for warmth—huge, light-weight swaddle blankets by Aden and Anais that can used as a many-layered, night cover, a large floor covering for the baby, or a quick covering for the car set or shopping cart. Sleep sacks are great for travel because diaper changing is a breeze. 

6. Don’t get bogged down with too many toys.  A new environment offers up lots of amusements. 

7. 
Take a photo album with pictures of the people you plan to visit. Your tot will be familiar with their names and faces before you arrive. You will have alleviated fear of strangers and created excitement.

8.  If you are too far away from your destination to take much  with you and you can afford it, consider a service that allows you select what you need and delivers it to your destination before you arrive. Babies TravelLite.com will deliver diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, food, bathing supplies and countless other items your baby will need while on your family vacation. The prices are competitive, and they handle special needs.

9. Divide up specific tasks with your partner according to strengths. Fulfill those agreements consistently and without being asked; you will minimize resentment and exhaustion. 

10. Don’t over-schedule. Stagger busy and mellow days, and take time to enjoy each moment.